An almost ordinary series of events
by neverland300690
Summary: YOU knew she could lie, that she could do it rather well in fact. You just never thought she would lie to you. Or that it would be this hurtful...
1. 11  Sorted

_**11; Sorted**_

You were a kid the first time you saw her… and so was she, only two years your junior. She was about to be sorted. You had been sitting on your table when she walked in with the rest of the first years. She stood out immediately: she and her cousins have the kind of hair that looks like it is made of liquid fire. But that's not why you noticed them. The two girls had been talking lively with the boy – who you know is named Hugo, Rose's brother and who didn't look intimidated like the rest of the kids but quite at his ease, with a grin plastered on his face to rival that of a Cheshire cat - when he disengaged himself from the row of first years and ran to the Gryffindor table to make high-fives with James and Albus Potter, while the rest of the Potters and Weasleys greeted him. Hugo was like that, still hotheaded with a big mouth and an easy joke always on the tip of his tongue.

When Professor Longbottom called her name, the entire Hall fell into silence. The sorting of a Potter was always an occasion that called for attention. You weren't that curious - there was nowhere for her to go but Gryffindor. Still, everyone had held their breath as she stepped to the stool and put the hat on her head. The hall had waited in silence for a few moments and when the Hat still wouldn't say anything, then chattering started to break out here and there. You remember that you were very much amused by the Hat's reticence and even more so as you looked over at the Weasley-Potter group scattered here and there around the other three tables. Their faces had been trapped into a collective frown and they all seemed confused.

Albus though had been very much relaxed, and had even waved at you when your eyes locked. He'd shrugged when he'd seen the question in your eyes. You'd smiled at him trying to get your amusement through and you think you manage alright because Albus smiles back with his usual calmness. He glanced at Rose too, but she wasn't looking at him at all, because she was so engrossed with her cousin's sorting, her usual "I'm concentrated" frown on. Because if Albus never let mundane things rattle him and always had a cool smile for any occasion, rose always took everything seriously.

When your father had found out, during the summer after your first year, exactly to what extent you were friends with Albus Potter and Rose Weasley, he didn't anything for a long moment. First you'd thought he was upset because of the week long detention that you got – that was a long story you never care to repeat again – but then your father started asking about them, Rose especially, and the more you told him the more he frowned. You didn't understand why he was so shocked - you've been friends with Albus ever since you two met at Teddy's house. Your grandmother had wanted to take you there so that you could meet your metamorphous cousin and Albus had been there for the same reason. You were about eight or nine years old back then and it had been so very easy to fall into step with one another. You asked your grandmother to bring you around more often and Albus asked his parents the same. You've always thought that they all knew you and Albus were friends…

But then just as you start to get really confused, your father turns to you and, in all seriousness, demands that you promise him you would never, under any circumstance, date or marry Rose Weasley. You were 12 and at the mere thought, winced inwardly and almost made a "yuck" face. You like Rose just fine, even thought she was irritating and uptight and bossy sometimes when she got anxious. Most of the time though, he was just as fun to be around as Al was. But still, dating… _ewww_!

"Draco!" Your mother had been aghast at what your father said and you had to admit – even thought now you laugh at the memory – so were you.

"I don't mind your friendship." Your father had quickly explained, looking more at your mother than you. "I _want_ you to you make your own choices." He'd spoken so seriously then, that for a moment you were worried you'd really upset him. "And it's not about her blood either." he'd added, knowing that all that kind of talk annoyed you. The he told you how he'd tried to raise you so that you could have something that he never really had: a choice. A strange breed of freedom that he himself had learned to fight for almost too late in his life. Of course, by the time your father had reached this point in his speech, you had no idea what he'd was talking about anymore.

But you didn't forget what he'd said. And you promised him, rather easily even though it was so weird, that you would always be just friends with Rose Weasley, just so that you could do something he wanted because you feared for quite a while that he really was upset with you for your choice in friends.

But back to the Potter girl, because it had been almost a full three minutes and a half and the Hat still hadn't spoken. You remember your own sorting, how the Hat had hummed and said "_Interesting… let's have a closer look shall we, we might be here a while."_

As the entire Hall waited for the Potter girl to be assigned into a house, you remember that there had been speculation on your table if the she would join the house of the serpent, and you remember thinking it would be a cold day in hell when a Potter – or Weasley for that matter – joined Slytherin. Al and James were both in Gryffindow, most of the Weasleys too, those with the French names were in Ravenclaw and a couple in Hufflepuff (you never really could remember _all_ their names, it was just too many of them)

You never really did understand the whole sorting thing however, but it seemed to be important to a lot of people. Your mother always used to say to you that a name doesn't make you who you are and you believed that. But still, when you had been sitting on that stool yourself and the Hat had been wondering where to put you, you'd thought that getting into Slytherin would make your father happy, seeing that he had been in the same house and his father before him. Family tradition is never to be underestimated you suppose.

But the Potter girl was another matter apparently. From your table you could see little of her face up there on that stool, but she was chewing her lips frantically. You have very little recollection of her before this moment. She had always been the little squirt that kinda got in your way whenever you were over at the Potter's. She was always running around or on top of a broom, chasing after James - you have a sneaky suspicion that the only reason she didn't chase after Albus as well was because he had told her not to while you were there - and how she was always dangling off her father's arms.

You remember how the Great Hall collectively sucked in a harsh breath - remember your own surprise - when the hat exploded in a booming and cheerful laughter, for a second stunning everyone into silence. You remember how the Headmistress had looked at the old rag like it was a mad person and not just a magical Hat.

"Very well then, as you wish it, so it shall be." The Hat had said loudly. Then it had pronounced her house and the surprise froze you, along with the rest of the Great Hall. Albus had laughed so loudly that it had bounced around the walls of the silent Hall and he'd been the first one to get up and start to clap and cheer enthusiastically for his little sister's sorting. She had given him widest grin possible as her house loudly exploded in applause and cheers to greet her and they had been so loud that if someone had been standing outside the doors of the Great Hall, they would have thought an explosion had just taken place inside. Then even the rest of her cousins started clapping and the Hall regained their senses and slowly started to applaud as well.

You remember her exited face as she sat three seats down from yours and shook the hands of those within range with a smile so big on her face that you could see all her perfect little teeth. That's when you knew that she was going to be the princess of her house - already everyone wanted to be her friend.

You thought back then that her being in Slytherin would redeem the house's reputation. Or maybe sully the Potter's reputation. Who knew…


	2. 11  Good morning

_**11; Good morning**_

You were the first fried she made in Slytherin. She just came up and sat right across from you at breakfast the morning after the sorting and it didn't take a genius to know why: the Hall is half deserted, none of her cousins are down yet and you are the only person she knows beforehand, her big brother's best friend.

"Good morning." She'd chimed and you looked up from your plate and smiled when you saw who it was.

"Morning person, huh?" you ask and her smile widens and so that you know the answer is a yes. You'd thought that she'd be awkward around you, because you were older and her brother's friend - the perpetual stranger that was around half the summer - but you were wrong. As time passes and you get to know her, you learned to be wrong about her more than you were right. Because there was one thing about that Potter girl: giving her one single definition was a mistake, she was too peculiar for that. Bottling her into one category – any category was impossible. You come to discover that she treats everyone as if they were already her friends, without reservation of shyness (you really don't think she knows the meaning of that word), until they gave her a reason not to… and she has the kind of intuition about people that it doesn't take her long to make up her mind about them.

You pass her the toast plate and she takes one and thanks you as she fills her plate with eggs and bacon.

"Welcome to Slytherin by the way." You say and she smiles again but this time keeps her lips closed because she is chewing and her expression is so funny that you chuckle. She narrows her brown eyes at you. Then she asks about classes and professors and you start talking with her easily. You wonder if she is going to remind you of Albus or James, but she doesn't. She is her own person so vividly that it doesn't take you longer than 5 minutes to realize it and you wonder how did you not see it before. Probably because you never really bothered to have a conversation with her before, seeing that she was just the kid sister of your friend.

"… and the seventh years pretty much own the seats around both of the fireplaces from ten o'clock to at least one after midnight so no chance of camping up in front of the fire until late hours." you've been talking for a while but she's been listening so attentively. At this last piece of information she shrugs a little and gets back to her breakfast.

"If I really need to, I guess all I have to do is mention my father and people no doubt with have the best seat open for me just to hear a war story or two." She says indifferently, in a neutral tone and you're left staring at her in disbelief and then trying to hide your smirk by shoving eggs in your mouth. That stuns you, maybe because you're just too used to Albus's reaction about this kind of thing: he always tries to shrug out of the son-of-the-hero persona. Her take on that whole ordeal seems too different from that not to surprise you.

"Wow." You say, admittedly not hiding your surprise, but she shrugs just as calmly.

"What?" She asks, looking at you with only curiosity in her eyes. She didn't think you were judging her, she was curious to know what you were thinking.

You smirk faintly. "I'm just surprised. That's not how your brother sees it at all."

She shrugs. "Albus has his own ideas. I like being my dad's daughter." She says smiling. "Lots of stuff are easier, like getting in stores – people always let me jumping the line! I get free candy when I go to Mrs. Grayson's ice-cream shop and I know a lot of really cool people. And my mum says that I am so good with my magic because of my dad – he was great too." You smile at that. She has such a clean-cut view of the world, it's almost funny.

"But really though, it's not like I can change anything. It's a fact – I might as well enjoy it." Then she looks at you attentively and for a moment you find yourself wondering why you're talking to this kid as if you've known her for years when in fact this is the only time you've really talked. But she makes it so easy, mostly because she talks to you like she's known _you_ forever. You wonder if Al has talked to her about you.

"You can't honestly say you don't know what that's like. Albus has told me about what happened that time in Diagon Alley…" She says in all seriousness and there is an apology hidden somewhere in her tone – one that she doesn't own you, but that she gives anyway - and you find yourself shrugging before you really know you're doing it. And even though you hate talking about it with people in general, with her its different because she already knows everything. In the back of your head you think that Albus should really learn to keep his piehole shut every now and then.

"It's a different kind of attention." You clarify. "And it doesn't happen always."

Because you've been a friend of Al's long enough to know that the attention you get is a lot different from the one the Potters get - even from those that don't like Harry Potter very much. Your father had warned you about it a long time ago. Even thought he made quite a name for himself after the war by becoming one of the best healers in Europe, your father didn't exactly get it easy and no matter how much he'd tried to prepare you for the war stories you might hear, he hadn't prepared you for a few nasty ways those stories could be told by some.

But that taught you how to keep to yourself, how to choose your friends well. It taught you to appreciate them and learn to keep them. You learned that it was important not let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. You're a Malfoy and you've accepted for everything its worth, because you're proud of your father in a way that nothing can pollute – just like the Potter kid seems to be. It feels like you both harbor the same acceptance: the good along with the bad. Knowing that you share something as personal as that is weird but it makes smiling at her easier. You sit there talking and little by little the rest of the student body joins you, until Albus is the one that swings his arm around his little sister's shoulders and pulls her for a hug.

"Congratulations sis!"

She smiles. "How's James taking it?"

"Well, he looked up aneurism in the dictionary last night to see if he'd just had one, but other than that he seems to be fine." Albus said with a smirk on his lips, but his sister didn't think it that funny because she didn't even hint a smile.

"Is he very angry?" she asks and you can tell that it's not just the causal question. Albus realizes too. But instead of answering he points towards the entrance door of the hall when James was just entering. You watch her get up and got to her big brother.

"God, the gold I'd have paid to be there when mum and dad got the news. I'd have loved to see their faces." Albus as he chuckles and he helps himself to some breakfast, eating from his sister plate. You turn to look at him and in all seriousness you ask him.

"Is it really going to be a problem?"

"What is?"

You can barely keep from rolling your eyes at him. "Her being in Slytherin."

He looks at you like you've just asked the most stupid question on earth.

"Don't give me that look Potter, you were scared shitless of ending up in Slytherin if I remember correctly, so there has got to be some kind of pressure going on there." You point out but Albus only shakes his head, smiling as if something you said amused him.

"No, no. Lily is… well, she has a mind of her own." Albus explains, "Dad always thought she was special - She is. And no, of course it's not going to be a problem." Then he smiles brightly. "Now we're going to have family members in all four houses, how cool is that!"

This time you do roll your eyes, and when you look over James Potter hugs his little sister and she laughs as a sea of cousins swarm over to her. They are their own little clan.

The next moment the owls have swarmed swarm in and everybody starts getting their mail, but there is again one little thing that gets everyone's attention: at least ten different owls drop their letters over the head of the youngest Potter and you can't help but laugh at the spectacle. So does Albus, but unlike you, he gets up and goes over there and you are left watching as the Potters and Weasleys gather the letters and sit at the Gryffindor table, listening as she reads out loud her letters from all the members of their huge family one by one, making everyone laugh, the sound resounding all around the Hall.

You notice how happy she seems over there, the smallest of the group but in the heart of it, with everyone around her and laughing with her and you can't help but wonder how she is ever going to fit in Slytherin when she seems like she is made to be in with them. Surrounded by her family is so obviously where she belongs… and you can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy at the sight. Their family is so big, so messy and loud. You've always wanted something like that. Even though you'd never admit it, Albus's huge, loud and messy family and the stories that he told you about them were the first reason why, as an eight year old, you were so fascinated by him. You envied him back then and admired him at the same time.

Ever since then, the Potters and Weasleys have shown you that big families are a lot less fun than they seem at first sight – so much that sometimes you enjoys the peace and quiet of your house when you return to it after a stay at the Potter Weasley get-togethers. But they have also rubbed off on you a little bit. Because as you turn back to your breakfast, you silently promise Al that you won't let his sister feel alone or alienated in her new House. She must be the first Potter to enter Slytherin in a generations… But, you'll be her friend, even if you are the only one.

It's not before second period that Albus really does ask you to keep an eye on her in the Common room. You've said yes to that three hours ago and that's how the Lily Potter starts to feel a bit like your sister too.


	3. 12 Family

_**12; Family **_

She is so competitive and ambitious. When it comes to things she wants to be the best in - like flying, DADA, or charms - she practices till she metaphorically (and sometimes not so metaphorically) bleeds and lets nobody get in her way.

But she is not comfortable with asking help, or getting it. Because she is also very proud and maybe even a bit vain too.

"I don't understand any of this!" She huffs in frustration and pushes up the glasses that she wears only when she is reading. You are sitting in one of the tables outside in the courtyard along with her, Albus and Rose and it's a beautiful day, it almost feels like summer. But she is not happy and Albus' patience is wearing thin. When she huffs and puffs, frustrated that she can't understand her lesson, you don't look up because you know it would irritate her more. When she is in a bad mood, she becomes as unstable as a granate without a pin.

"Which part don't you understand Lily?" You hear Albus say, the irritation in his voice very subtle, because you know he is trying very hard to be patient. He does good in most subjects – mostly because he works really hard - but he shines in Transfiguration. Al is already able to perform spells that seventh years have trouble with. His little sister on the other hand is a breath away from failing the subject and you wonder how come that these two can be so similar in some ways and so completely polar opposites in others.

"Any of it!" She hisses and pushes the book away from herself and you can see with the corner of your eye that she is crossing her arms over her chest and frowning. You and Rose keep your heads down and let the siblings resolve this themselves. Getting involved when the Potters fight with each other is never a good idea. You could end up with an accidental black eye or a hex that makes you grow yellow feathers all over like a canary. (She did that once. The spell bounced off Al's shield charm and it hit an innocent bystander – who happened to be some six year you don't know. You have no idea how an eleven year old can manage that kind of spell, but she tells you – after swearing you to secrecy – that her uncle George has been teaching her lots of little hexes like that since she was eight. You can do nothing but stare in awe.)

"That's because you're not concentrating enough." Albus snapped finally, but even then his irritation was contained. He had been tutoring her for almost 2 hours, but Lily either is dummer than she looks (and you all know that is not the case) or she is simply not trying hard enough.

"Well if you stopped talking to me in big words and actually try to help me understand what you're saying, we wouldn't be having this conversation!" Lily hissed back and now she was glaring at him full on. Her glare is pretty practiced for a 12 year old you think, and you're amazed that at a time like this - when invisibility would be such a blessing (pretending that you're still engrossed by the book is not quite the same thing) - you still have room in your brain to think up stuff like that.

"I can't believe this! I've explained you the theory twice already Lily!" Albus said, a note of outrage mixed with tiredness in his tone.

"But you keep saying it in a way that it makes it impossible for me to understand you. If I wanted to hear what's written in the book, I'd read it myself, _again_, thank you very much."

"You know what, I think you're just trying to make me feel guilty so that you can make me do your homework for you Lil, but it's not going to work that way because in the end _that_ is what will make you fail your tests. You've got to start taking this seriously and stop insisting that you're too stupid to understand it, when we all know that you're just being too lazy to put your brain at work." There is silence for a moment after that. Albus spoke kinda harshly and even though it may have been a little deserved – especially that part about her trying to manipulate him into doing her homework, she does that all the time – you can all see how hurt she is by his tone. Still, you have to agree with Al on this one. She is so insecure about Transfiguration that even when she has a hint on the answer, she doesn't write it down because she'd rather not write anything than write something stupid.

"Let's start over, and this time stop me and ask questions when you don't get something, ok?" Al's voice is softer and you can hear her sigh in resignation. She comes closer to the book and Al starts explaining her again what is the a second level animal transfiguration how it works, the forces in action and the circulation of energy that it takes to pull off the spell. She stops him a couple of times, but as always she is hesitant. When it comes to answering questions, she takes the sheet of paper from her brother and you watch her as she eyes it with the kind of sadness that homework should never deserve.

Albus starts to scribble away on his homework and Rose is completely lost in her essay, but you are watching her as she watches the paper, pen hovering half an inch from the parchment. You watch as her chin trembles and you can't believe your eyes when hers start to become shiny with unshed tears. You don't understand at all…

_It's just homework_, you want to say to her, _who cares? So you suck at Transfiguration, so what!_

But you don't get to say anything because her actions are so snappy and fast that she leaves neither you nor anyone else a chance. She throws the pen down, splashing ink everywhere, and pushes the paper away from herself. Some of the ink from her pen gets in Al's and Roses' papers and they both look up with a '_hey_!' of protest.

Albus is staring at her astonished "Lily!"

"Leave me alone" She is already leaving by this time, almost running inside the castle and you suspect she doesn't want anyone to see her crying. You don't even care that your paper will need to be rewritten because the majority of the splashing ink landed on your essay. You know she didn't do it on purpose. Even thought you do wish she weren't so thoughtless sometimes, you wonder more at the reason behind that reaction.

"What the hell?" Albus says completely flabbergasted. Rose has already cleaned up her the mess, and she is sitting there just as confused as the rest of you. Al slumps on the chair looking tired.

"She hates it when she needs help with something." He mumbles.

"I don't think that's it Al." Rose calmly sais and it makes both you and Al stare at her, expecting her to continues. Rose shrugged.

"I think she just hates looking stupid in front of you." She says as if she really didn't want the words to come out. And you know why the second you see Al's reaction. He instantly straightens on the chair and frowns so deeply his brows are practically one line.

"I would never think…"

"I know that!" Rose quickly says, interrupting him before he can get angry. Out of the three Potters, Albus is the one whose temper is more leveled, but even he has his few pressure points and his family is one of them. "… but you should understand, she looks up to you _so_ much and you're practically a genius when it comes to Transfiguration, while she's… not. I think it makes her terribly self-conscious."

Albus looked at his cousin as if he hadn't understood anything that had come out of her mouth.

"You're the standard she goes by Albus. James too. And she sees you two skating through school as if it's the easiest thing in the world when she has to study for hours…"

"That's unbelievable!" Albus interrupts, looking like he was getting angrier by the second but Rose didn't seem that fazed. You bet she'd been expecting it. "Neither James nor I these exceptional geniuses that you're making us to be and you know that! We work our asses off just like Lily does. So do you!" If you were in her shoes you'd shut up or start talking about the weather or something and do it fast because it was obvious Al couldn't handle this particular topic very well. But Rose goes on and you think this is probably why she's in Gryffindor and you're a Slytherin – she can't see the line between brave and reckless very well.

"I _know_ that." Rose says, the hint or impatience finally starting to make an entrance in her tone as well and you wonder if this is going to escalate into a fight too. You search for places to take cover in because quite frankly this is not a row you want to be a part in. Out of the top of your brain, you start thinking up a few good charms you can use to separate them, in case this gets ugly.

"Then _what_ are you talking about?" Al snaps.

"You _know_ what I'm talking about. You're the genius of the family, James was the Quiditch captain at _14_, your dad saved the world and your mum is an international Quiditch star. What I'm talking about is that _that_ is a lot to live up to, maybe even for Lily sometimes. Starting to sound familiar?"

Albus wants to say something but he closes his mouth and nods a little stifly. He knows exactly what Rose is talking about and so do you. So does Rose herself. There is a reason you think, that she strives to be the best at everything. Her need for perfection is a result of Rose's slightly obsessive compulsive nature, sure… but also because she doesn't want to disappoint the people that look at her and see her mother. Because you know that Rose loves her mother as if the woman were her goddess.

"She just needs to find something she's good at and then she won't really care what family precedents are." Rose says calmly. Albus doesn't say anything else and the conversation dies there.

That night you find her in one the corners of the common room, sitting on one of the high window-sills and looking at the reflections that the moonlight creates in the water. Even thought the water is dark, you can still see the little shimmers that the full moon creates in the water. You go and sit opposite to her but she doesn't turn to look at you.

"Albus asked you to check up on me?" She asks, the tone she uses is too bland to tell if she'd prefer you confirmed or denied it. You decide to tell her the truth.

"Yeah, something like that." You wait but she just keeps staring at the water. You never really liked the fat that the common room was underwater. The reflections the water gave to the light are great, but you always preferred opens spaces and the sun and wind on your face.

"I always hated sitting here." You say. "Makes me feel like I'm in a fish tank."

"I kinda like it. And I definitely like the quiet. There never is any silence in the Gryffindor Common room."

"So… how's it going?" You drop casually and she snorts.

"Do you care?" She asks defiantly as she looks at you with an eyebrow raised.

You shrug. "Not particularly." You lie and just as you hoped, she smiles a little.

"How's Sara Prendergast doing? That's bound to be a more interesting topic." She wiggles her eyebrows at you and you know that she's teasing you about the girl you like and you get the answer to your question: She is either fine, or she will be real soon.

"That is none of your business… but if you really must know, she's fine."

She smirks. "First kissed yet?"

She is shameless you realize as she looks at you without the barest hint of an apology and a smirk. "I'm going to answer that the day you pass transfiguration with an O." You say and she laughs so soundly that her laughing is contagious and makes you smile.

"Oh that is so predictable Malfoy. Was her kissing that bad?"

"Ha, ha. Very funny Potter." You deadpan and she laughs even more. You realize that you should have handled this with more care. Now that she has realized that you don't like to talk about private things, she'll never let you hear the end of it. Knowing her, she'd be teasing you about your girlfriends until you leave this school.

"Oh, don't be like that. I'm sure she'll get better at it as you go. Practice makes perfect, ask anyone."

"Potter, you're walking on thin ice here." You threaten, but you know – and so does she – that there really is not substance to that threat. But she winks at you and shuts her mouth anyway. You don't know what you tow are talking next, probably something unimportant about school the next day. Silence falls again between you and you don't break it. You don't feel like you need to. She does however.

"I hate feeling stupid." She says suddenly. She is speaking so quietly that for a moment you're not sure if you even heard it right. "I get the basics and everything, but there are so many formulas and I never remember them all and I make mistakes that would make a cat blush." What she hates is being looked down to you realize, not being able to get out of a jam on her own. She hates not being enough for herself and you can recognize that as the very first blossom of a fiercely independent streak in her. "I hate not understanding what the professor is talking about. I hate that Al has to repeat himself and dumb things down for me so that I can understand him."

The silence stretches and you figure you have to say something because she is looking so sad that it makes you want to do anything, just to wipe that look off her face.

"I know how that feels." You say quietly. You imagine you want her to feel like she is not the only one that can be a screw-up. She looks at you.

"You do?" There is incredulity in her voice.

"I failed my Aritmanzy test twice."

"What? But I thought you still took that subject."

"I do. I begged Professor Lambert to let me try again." You admit. You'd had to do extra credit work for about 6 months just so that you could take that test again – for the third time. But you had to, there was no way you could be accepted in the training program of St. Mungo's if you didn't have a great curriculum. "I always bury myself in books when it comes to Potions and only reason I keep good grades in Charms is because Rose helps me with every single chapter review. And Albus has been proofreading my Transfiguration homework ever since in first year."

She smiles. "In turn you do Potions and Herbology for him though, right?" She asks.

"Yeah, that's right. Everyone has subject they suck in Lily, it's not such a big deal."

"Easy for you to say, you've got O's and E's in all subjects… I bet your dad is really proud of you." She adds in a small voice and dares a look at you. She knows that you don't like to talk about your family. Except Albus and Rose, you don't really get that personal with anybody. You have other friends besides those two, most of them in Slytherin, but still, Al is the only one that has made you feel comfortable enough to spill your guts to him.

You answer _her_ anyway. "He is, I guess. He has really high standards." You don't really care to explain because you know that she wouldn't be able to really understand. Your father loves you, you know that with the same clarity that you know you have bones beneath your skin, but he has a very different way of showing it than say, Mr. Potter. If you'd tell Lily about him, she'd think he is cold. But you know he is not.

"What does that mean?" she asks.

"What?"

"That he has really high standards. What do you mean by that?" You smile a small smile at her direct question. She never was the kind to try and understand subtext. She didn't like double meanings at all, nor did she like to assume things. That is actually one of the things you most like about her.

"Well, he pushes me to study hard and do well, because he knows that to be a good Healer…"

"So it's true, you really want to be a Healer?"

She is looking at you intensely, as if she wants to read the answer in your eyes before you say it. "Yeah, I really do. And to be a good one, I have to know a lot about a lot of things."

She smiles at you faintly. "I think you're going to be a great Healer." She says and there is more certainty in her eyes than there is in your whole being sometimes.

You smile a little. "Thanks."

"Is that the answer to my question?" She observes and you don't really understand. Apparently you confusion shows because she quickly explains. "I mean about when you said he has high standards. I get that he pushes you about your grades, but… I don't know, when you said it, it felt like there was something more to it." She reluctantly explains and you understand what Albus means when he says that Lily is not really a master at being subtle. She doesn't even bother with erasing the edges off her thoughts, she just says things the way she means them. It's something that could easily be mistaken for insensitiveness, but you can guess from her hesitance at voicing this particular thought that Albus is only partially right: she does say things bluntly sometimes, but only when she feels safe enough with the person standing in front of her.

"Look, I don't mean to poke my nose into your stuff or anything…" she quickly amends, proving you right.

"He's always telling me how I should always put my family first but also that I should make up my own mind about things and people. That I shouldn't do anything in my life if I don't honestly mean it and _really_ want to do it."

She looks at you for a moment as if she is surprised. You can tell that she is. "That's… really great advice to give, but kind of hard to live by, isn't it?"

You chuckle because a 12 year old isn't supposed to get to that conclusion right away. _You_ certainly didn't figure it out that fast. "Yeah sometimes. But it's good that he tells me that. I've started to think lately that this is probably the kind of advice his father couldn't give to him."

"Lots of things were really different back then, weren't they?"

"Yeah, I guess so." You say and you're thinking about your family and its history.

"I would have failed Transfiguration for sure if Professor McGonagall would still be teaching that subject though, so that is one of the many improvements." She suddenly says and you're infinitely grateful at her for changing the topic so thoroughly.

"Well… look at it this way: you suck really bad in Transfiguration, but you do alright in other classes and you're the best of your class in charms … And next year, when you join the Dueling Club, I'm betting you're going to kick some serious ass." She gives you wide smile and you start feeling more useful.

"And while we're on topic… Al told me you're not going to try out for Quiditch this year. Why?" Montague has asked her to, but when she politely refused, he'd let it drop - hadn't pushed her like he would if he'd known what kind of a flyer she was. You you've seen her fly, she's amazing on a broom– how could she not be, it was in her blood any way you look at it. She is light and maneuvers the broom with such ease that it seems she and the wood are one. She loves speed and has tricks up her sleeve that only someone who has been flying since they were capable of standing can have – and its endlessly amusing to you that she can be faster than James because she is so much lighter.

She shrugs. "I'm not strong enough to be a Beater and I can't be a Seeker to save my life. The team already has Chasers and Keeper, so…"

"So you don't even try?" You're a bit surprised at her reluctance. You never thought she was the one to give up so easily, seeing that she is probably one of the most stubbornly persistent people you know. But then you catch a whiff of the real problem and you smirk a little.

"You don't want to play against your brothers, do you? _That's_ the real problem." She looks at you and you see that she opens her mouth to deny it but midway she changes her mind and closes her lips without saying anything. She looks up at the shimmering water again.

"So what if it is…" she is not defying him for an answer, her tone is too quiet for that and you realized that she has been rolling around with this idea for a while now and that it bothers her. You wish you could just tell her that she is being dense. Because no matter what House she is in, no matter how short her temper might be or how difficult she might get… she has the kind of family around her that will always love her. James would burn the castle down for her, so would Al. That she doesn't realized that, that she doubts it in any way, is in your opinion the closes she has ever come to pure stupidity.

"You play against them all the time!"

"Yeah, but that's different, we're just playing. Here there's points and cups and…" she doesn't finish so you do it for her.

"Houses?"

You watch her take a deep breath and evasively look out the window. "Well… yeah."

You've wondered how she copes with the fact that she is in Slytherin while her brothers are in Gryffindor. You know that she is not defensive about it, that she is just herself and that the fact has never come up as a difference between her and her family. You don't doubt that she is cunning and ambitious enough to merit her sorting, but she is also a lot of other things. She is smart and has a concentration that is unbelievable, she is obviously loyal to her brothers if she is thinking about giving up something that she loves doing just so that she doesn't have to put them and herself into uncomfortable situations. And she is brave enough to never give up on anything or anyone. Brave enough to duel people that know twice the amount of magic she does, or - during one of their games in the country - fly in front of her brother and willingly take a Bludger to the ribs just so that Albus wouldn't have to.

She's always so carefree and uncompromisingly her own person that sometimes you forget she can also be like everyone else and get insecure.

"You don't honestly think that just because you play on different teams for points and a cup that is going to change anything? I mean, sure, on the field you'd be going against each other with all you've got, but you've got to give your brothers a little credit: they'd never hold anything against you if you played and won against them." You mean that, because you know how much those two adore her. It's as if they she is an extension of their own bodies. James especially is very overprotective of her. When they're together he and all his bulk make her look like she is the tiny dove in the hawk's nest. You know they'd never hold a grudge at her for playing against them or even beating them, because even thought she is not really your sister, you care about her and you think of her as if she was and you know that if _you_ would never hold something like that against her, then neither would James and Albus.

"How do you know _I_ won't get mad at them for beating me?" She asks and stop to think about it.

"Would you?"

She looks at you for a moment. "I'd be pissed, sure… but not anymore than usual." She says with a smile and you both chuckle.

"But it'd be weird though, wouldn't it? I mean Al is pretty cool about the game, seeing that he isn't even on the team, but James takes Quiditch so seriously. I don't…" but she doesn't get to finish, because one of her friends rushes over to her and starts talking in an unstoppable river of words and suddenly she has to go. You think she takes the chance to end this conversation a little too willingly. Had it been any other occasion she would have probably resisted or told her friend she would be right there and stay and talk a little more.

The next day you talk to Albus about it and both its James the one that walks her to her team's tryout and he's the one cheering loudest when she is picked for the Slytherin team as the new Chaser. The smile on her face is big enough to light the entire stadium like a second sun.


	4. 13 Friend

_**13; Friend **_

"Scorpius? Is that you?"

You're walking up one of hills that hide the Burrow from view. You know that once you get on the top of that hill, you'll be able to see the house. At the sound of her voice you look up and there she is, thirteen and scrawny as hell, wearing a pair of cut-off jeans and a white shirt that seems about a size too big, hair in a messy bun on top of her head and waving at you from the top of the hill with that wide smile that is so typical of her. You wave back trying to figure out what she is dragging behind her. She waits for you to be two feet from her before putting out the invitation.

"Wanna make the ride down faster?" She says nodding at that wooden thing that now up close looks a lot like a ski-sledge. You look at her quizzically and for some reason she takes that as a yes. So she hops on the sledge and pats the spot behind her as she bites her lip, her small eyes shining with excitement as she positions for the perfect slide down the hill. It's obvious by the trails she plans on following down the hill – and the scraps on her twiggy arms and legs - that this is not the first time she has done this.

"Well come one, I'm not gonna wait for you forever!" She says impatiently.

"I'm not getting into that thing." You say as if begrudged that you have to point out something that obvious. She raises her eyebrows in surprise and then her features arrange themselves into a expression mocking that is annoyingly irritating.

"You know, If I didn't know you any better I'd say you are afraid, Malfoy." Even her tone is ridiculing and you know that she is trying to cajole you into this by playing the reverse-psychology card on you, but you can't stand the self-satisfied smirk on her face. "If you don't have the guts to try, just say so. I mean nobody is going to think less of you or anything…"

And now she is abusing your patience. "Just shut it Potter." You hiss and she smiles widely because she knows she has you. And so do you because you go and sit behind her despite the fact that she can be the most annoying little brat you've ever met.

"We're wearing the same kind of sneakers, that's so weird." She says and by her tone you know she is smiling. Girls notice the stupidest stuff you think to yourself.

"Why do I have to sit behind you, Freckles?" you asks – deliberately calling her by a nickname she despises - as she positions the sledge for the slide down the hill. God that's a long way down, you think as you look. You hear her chuckle and you realize that you're holding on to her a bit tightly. You're glad that she can't see your face because your ears are red at the moment and your neck is feeling hot.

'_To be reduced to a frightened little sod by a kid of mere 13'_ you think derisively at your own reluctance.

"Because, Tinker Bell, you are _so_ my bitch right now." She says and you react as Albus would at hearing such language from her.

"Aren't you a bit too young to be talking like that kiddo?" You say and she turns to look at you with eyes full of disbelief and overflowing with irony.

"Are you serious? Have you ever heard Hugo speak?" She has a point there, you admit mentally, that boy talks in a way that would make a trucker proud. "Besides, little Miss Daisy, I grew up with six boys around that tend to yell really loud. That kinda carries." You want to chuckle at her response but before you can do that she tips the sledge forward and suddenly it feels like you're freefalling down the hill. The wind is in your face, her laugh in your ears and after the first fright you start to laugh with her because it's _fun_! It's like flying with a broom but only closer to earth.

Once it reaches the bottom of the hill, the sledge starts to slow down and she tells you to use your feet as brakes. But you do something wrong because you lean a bit more to the left than you should have and then the next thing you know is that you're both sprawled all over the grass and she is somewhere near, laughing her ass off. You look at her as she tries to untangle her limbs and sit and you know that the feeling you have in that moment is pure happiness.

"Oh my goodness, that was so amazing. With you on, we went down even faster!" She says breathlessly as she sits cross legged on the grass and puts her hair out of her face. Her shirt is stained all over with green and earth but she doesn't seem to mind at all. You're not looking all that better for that matter, but on your dark blue T-shirt and worn out jeans the stains are less visible.

You chuckle. "Yeah, it was." You admit and she flashes you a smug smile.

"Told ya." She says but you just roll your eyes at her. Then you remember something…

"Who's Miss Daisy by the way?" Because you know that her every teasing nickname has something to do with a thing that muggle call Telvision or something. You watch her roll her eyes and get up, trying to brush away the leaves of grass stuck on her clothes. She has added a few new scratches to her twiggy legs, but she is just as unimpressed by those as she was by the stains on her shirt.

"You seriously need to be loaded with some healthy dose of TV Malfoy." She says as they both head for the Burrow. "Albus is still out with dad and Uncle Ron, but he should be back any minute now." She adds. You are almost at the house and talking about the latest Quiditch game – she always cheers for the team that plays against yours for some reason – when Rose pokes her bushy head - that always looks like it's on fire - out of the window and yells her name loud enough for the Mr. Lovegood - seven hills away - to hear.

"_Lily_!"

The girl in question winces. "Wow, nice pipes you got there Rosie. You could beat Pavarotti to the curve." She says and Rose is startled by how close Lily really is and even more so when she sees who she is with.

"There you are, I've been looking all over for you. Hey Scorpius, how is it going?"

"Not too bad." You say and look down on Lily with a little smile. She winks as if you were the only one in on some secret.

"She made you slide down the hill on that infernal thing, didn't she?" Rose asks, but her tone is only half questioning because as she looks at you up and down, she already has her answer.

"Yup! And he liked it too!" You try not to smile and Lily's laidback tone that so contrasts Rose's tense one.

"Don't let her bully you into doing it again. You'll both break your necks."

"I didn't…"

"She didn't bully me into anything!" You say a little offended that Rose thinks you'd be that easy to manipulate. But as you think about it, that is exactly what happened. The only difference is that you knew what was happening - so it's more like knowingly submitting to her pressuring you… which is pretty much the same thing really.

"Did she get you to go it too?" You ask Rose and you can tell by her annoyed face that the answer is yes. "How the hell did you do that?" You ask Lily, amazed that she would be able to make Rose do something she didn't want to. Lily gives you a smirk worthy of an '_I'm evil and I know it'_ snapshot.

"I have my ways." She says trying to sound mysterious and you laugh.

You hear Rose snort. "Whatever. I'm going to get back to you for that."

"Hey, you know the consequences when you made that bet." Lily said in a tone that was way too innocent to be true.

Rose pointed a finger at her accusingly. "What I didn't know is that you manipulated the odds, you little Slytherin!" Rose said threateningly, even though she couldn't quite hide her smile. Lily laughed and clapped her hands together, making Rose roll her eyes.

"Anyway, your mom needs you to go in town and get some things from the stores…" You heard Lily's groan loud and clear even as she comes closer to take the shopping list from Weasley's outstretched hand. "And if you don't mind, while you're there, could you grab me three notebooks like the ones that we took last time?"

"No problem my lovely." Lily says making Rose smile.

"I'll see you in a bit." Rose says and starts to get back inside the house.

"I'll say hi to that cute guy that works at the fruit-shop for you Rosie." Lily yells so that her cousin can hear loud and clear, only faking her casual tone. Through the window you see that Rose almost tripped as she was climbing the stairs.

"_Lily_!" Her cry is full of indignation but Lily's laugh almost covers it and practically runs away before Rose can throw anything at her.

"You know, it's not very wise to piss off Rose. Actually, it can be pretty suicidal sometimes." You point out, but she chuckles.

"Like that would stop me."

You roll your eyes. "No, it probably wouldn't. How did you become a Slytherin again?"

In response, she winks. "I'm special… and I also run faster than Rose will ever hope for." She says smiling… and then huffs, switching mood like she was tuning on and off a light. "And I am also about to walk a good two miles. Feel like taking a long walk with me Malfoy? I'll be bored all by my lonesome."

You smile. "Sure. What else am I going to do, stay here and guiltlessly suffer under Rose's anger – one that you cause by the way."

She rolls her eyes theatrically. "You know it would be so much easier if you could just…" She stops talking all of a sudden and you can practically see the metaphorical light-bulb over her head light up. She looks at you directly in the eyes and you get it before she can even wiggle her eyebrows or anything else.

"Oh, nonono. Are you out of your mind? We're not going to _fly_ there in the middle of the day!" You say decidedly.

"Oh, come on! The village is almost a mile off and we're practically in the middle of nowhere. The closest house is the Lovegood tower, nobody will see us, I promise!"

"No way Potter." You have to put you foot down on this, otherwise she might make it sound a little too appealing. She stares at you for a long moment and then – to your surprise – she shrugs. You're taken aback when she simply lets it drop like that, without pushing it any further. Ok, you know better than to buy that, you're on your guard.

"Have it your way. But its either _that_, or staying here in the company of Rose Weasley and her withering stares Malfoy, cause _I'm_ flying there and since you're so contrary to the idea…" She nonchalantly lets her case rest and turns her back on you, leaving at an unhurried pace. You can't help the groan that escapes, because how the hell does this brat know which buttons to push to make you go her way? God, he would hate all Slytherins if he wasn't one of them. Why are people so surprised when they hear she is in the serpent's house? She looks like an 11 year old with slightly longer limbs, but in truth, behind that roundish face and sweet smile hides a monster.

"Alright!" You finally grunt out and you hear her shriek and laugh as she bounces up and down and turns to face you. You would have resented having caved in so easily, you would have gotten back at her for it, if it wasn't for that fact that her smile doesn't feel like that of someone who has manipulated someone else into something they didn't want to do. It doesn't feel narcissistically triumphant of arrogant… just plain happy. The way only a kid's smile can be. She has that innocence about her that fools people into underestimating her, but that is also very genuine.

"You know, while we're doing this, we might as well make it interesting." You start and you see the way her dark eyes sharpen and you can practically see her mind working.

"How?" She asks, not bothering to hide that she is in fact already interested.

"How fast can you go if you fly just one foot above ground?" You ask and it's a challenge - You see her face light up with understanding, her smirk one of complete mischievousness. Oh, you know you are _so_ right about her: under that harmless face hides someone that could be scary.

"I'll race you, on equal brooms, and who loses gets to carry the groceries back home." She says fast. In response you offer her your hand to shake on it and she does. Her handshake is firm enough to let you know that she has a backbone of titanium. You both head for the brooms, saddle them and stand head to head like in a race, close to the ground.

"If your dad finds out about this, we're dead." You say and its and afterthought that you voice aloud.

"Who's going to tell him, you? Alright then." You hear her say from your right. "On my signal: Ready… Steady…_Go_!"

She won.


	5. 15 Sister

_**15; Sister**_

Lily Potter very easily became more than just your best friend's little sister. There was just this thing about her being always around that made you friends. It was just like with Rose. At first you thought you were friends with Rose Weasley just because Al was, but the more she was around the more you liked her for her, even though she wasn't easy to like. Rose had her ticks and difficulties, but she was the best friend you could have if you needed her.

You always liked having Lily around. You liked it even better than hanging out with your other Slytherin friends. You hang out with her whenever she has nobody around because you know that despite everything, she misses the company of her big family during the hours she spends away from them – exactly as Al had predicted – and apparently you're the closes thing she has to family when real family isn't around. You know that because one night when she was in second year, she told you so herself. You didn't really let it show how happy that made you, but you suspect that she got a whiff of it from the way you smiled.

There was just something about her – maybe her age, the way she smiled so much, the way she trusted you so completely right from the very beginning just because you were her big brother's best friend – that always made you want to keep her under your wing, just like Albus and James did. You've never had a sister or a brother and sometimes when she is playing cards with you or when you're playing little tricks to the seventh year girls, or when she is simply asking your help for her transfiguration, you imagine that she _is_ your little sister, and it makes you smile with a tiny happiness that is very pure, even though it's a bit sad that she is not.

You always wanted a sister and maybe that's why it's so easy to have her fall into that role. You wouldn't have minded a brother you think, but you remember that it was a little sister you always wanted. When you were five you asked you mother for one… but she started crying and went on for hours, so you apologized and never ever asked again. But you can't help the way you envy how Albus and James are so protective of her. You always wanted someone to watch over like that. Someone that would look up at you like the way she looks at her brothers. With so much adoration and trust, even though her stubborn self never admits to it. Someone to fight with that way she fought with James and Albus… even though you doubt any sister of yours would know so many spells when barely twelve. Albus laughs when you mentioned this and he tells you that out of the three Potters, _she_ is the most fearsome duelist. She takes that after their father, Albus said, and you imprint it in your brain because her taking after Harry Potter when it came to dueling was not something you wanted to forget in case you ever have the misfortune of making her _that_ angry.

Even after she made her own friends and grew out of her childishness, you were still the one person that she liked to talk to at the end of the day. She'd come over and sit by your side on the sofa, hand you a fruit – usually a golden apple because she knows those are your favorites – and you'd talk to each other for about a couple of hours. It was almost a ritual.

In fifth year, she made Prefect – which you can't believe it, considering how much trouble she got herself into - but you're so proud of her anyway. Albus got Headboy and unsurprisingly, Rose was Headgirl. On the party the Potters and Weasleys threw for them, you gave them a toy-whip and a set of chains and handcuffs. Rose looked at you mortified, but Lily laughed so hard that she turned red and then, to everybody's infinite amusement, she actually managed to charm the chains to immobilize you to your seat without you noticing until it was too late.

You were used to watching out for her, over the years its almost turned into an instinctual response. So when she starts making a few new friends in fifth year, you wonder if that is really her kind of crowd. There is nothing particularly wrong with Clarissa Burns and her girlfriends, you just never really liked the girl. She is too passive-aggressive to be agreeable to Lily's taste in people. But Lily seems happy and even though she moves into a lot of crowds and has tons of friends in all houses, she her best friends aside from her family remain her oldest friends: the girls she shares her dorm room with. She doesn't turn her back on them – not that you thought she would… but you've just seen it happen, you know it does, especially around people like Clarissa. You should have known better than suspect it though. Lily is too stubborn and independent to be pushed around by anyone.

"Good morning!" Lily seats herself in front of you and starts filling her plate with her usual bacon and eggs, but her smile is a little too wide and radiant to be directed at her breakfast. She looks up at you and doesn't notice your confusion at all.

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" you raise an eyebrow at her but this doesn't seem to trouble her either. Melanie – one of the girls she shares dormitories with – pulls her into a hushed conversation and they are both smiling and looking very excited about something. You leave them to their privacy, wondering what a girl whose favorite season is summer could find so beautiful about a gloomy and dreary December day. You look up at the magical ceiling – the sky looks like a big fat dead pigeon for all you can tell, and there is nothing particularly appealing about that. But you go back to you breakfast with a shrug and a calm smile: Lily can be a mystery but as long as she is happy than you don't really need to know why.

That is until you meet a fuming Albus at first period. He is angrier than you have ever seen him.

"What's up with you mate? You look like you're about to hex someone's balls off." He truly is that livid and you think it must be serious, because it's rare for anything to get that much under Albus' skin. And he's never ignored you before, but going by the way his knuckles are almost turning white from the tight grip he has on his wand, you don't take it personally. You don't push him either. Al has his own times when it comes to things that matter to him.

Transfiguration is a difficult subject and seventh year is not going to get any easier, but Albus never managed to get every single spell wrong before. He is a breath away from learning how to become an animagus, he is _that_ good. And yet, he is so distracted that after somehow managing to smash your desk into a thousand pieces, the professor excused him from class.

Once outside, after the class is over, you finally corner him. "Alright, spill it."

_And_ _I'll hold down the asshole while you break any bone of his body you want to_. But you only say that in your head, because it doesn't really need to be said out loud.

"Lily has a date." He hisses. If his teeth were gritted any tighter they would snap off. Wait, Lily _what_? "On the day of the Hogsmead trip. With Jonathan McCullen."

_What_?

"McCullen? The Ravenclaw Seeker that is in our year?" You ask in disbelief, but it's a useless question because, you know the answer: there are no other McCullens at Hogwarts. Suddenly Lily's good mood takes on a different shape altogether. She has a date with the McCullen asswhipe? For a horrible instant you imagine that idiot around her, touching her hair, kissing… and you just can't go any further. Your stomach turns and for a second you are so angry that you can hardly control it. Lily is too young for that kind of thing and she is definitely too young to be doing that with a 17 year old. But you swear, if that creep dates put _one_ unwanted finger on her, you'll dismember him personally and enjoy it.

How could that creep even dare ask her out? She's just bloody _15_ _years old_ for fuck's sake!

"He's too old for her!" You say automatically. You hear Albus snort and you know that you're preaching to the quire. You give Al a meaningful look as you think of a thousand different ways, focusing on the more painful ones, that you could use to make that smartass Ravenclaw change his mind about dating someone two years his junior.

But before you can open your mouth, Albus interrupts, already guessing where your thoughts are heading. "I can't." He says and clenches his fists, no doubt dying to smash them into a particular Ravenclaw's face. You know because your fingers are tingling with the same kind of compulsion right now.

"She wrote to our parents and mum wrote back, warning me that if I ruin this for Lily, she's going to be on my ass like white on rice." You doubt those were Mrs. Potter's exact words, but you know that that is the general idea and you don't doubt that the lady is very much capable of delivering on her promise. You have to hand it to Lily though, that is some good thinking… but she did forget one thing.

"What are you smirking about?" Albus ask begrudged.

You shrug without whipping the smirk off your face. "I was just giving credit to your sister for practical way she solves her problems." You say diplomatically and Albus glares at you fiercely.

"Whose side are you on?" Albus snaps.

"Yours! Which is why I have to remind you that you mother wrote only to _you_…"

"She wrote to every male member of the family, that is including the Weasleys." Albus clarifies, resenting every word of it and you can't help but think you should have known. Lily is nothing if not thorough.

"Well, she didn't write to me!" You say but instead of being glad that they found a loophole in his sisters plan, Albus smiles ruefully, almost unwillingly, as he shook his head.

"Damn Slytherins and their cunningness." He mumbled.

"Why?" but you think you already know why…

"Well, Lily apparently knew you'd offer to do the dirty work, so she put you on the list also." You can't help but blink in confusion. "My mum told me to keep you on your best behavior, if you know what I mean." You can't help but groan. Of _course_ she did.

"So what do we do?" You ask. Your hands are tied. None of you wants to deal with a raging Mrs. Potter and honestly, if Lily went to so much trouble and quite frankly humiliation also, than she must like this guy considerable. You want to gag at the thought, but you contain yourself.

"I don't know. I mean, I don't think we shouldn't do anything unless he tries to attack her or something." You look at Al trying to understand what he's talking about.

"So we are going to watch them?"

Al looks at you confused. "Well, of course we're going to watch them! That wasn't even in question."

"But I thought your mum…"

"What Lily and my mum don't know won't hurt them. And I wanna make sure that the creep can keep his hands to himself." You both know that McCullen is not the type to kiss and tell, but you also know that he has had about ten different girlfriends since he turned 14.

"You're on." You say and you almost want that boy to make a wrong move just so that you can have the pleasure of breaking his nose. But admittedly, if he does anything to upset Lily, you have no doubt that her fist – or a good hex – will land on his face faster than yours.


	6. 15 Missed

_**15; Missed**_

But to your eternal dismay, McCullen does nothing that could be interpreted as wrong, even in your eyes. He holds her hand and kisses her cheek but it's all very… well, you have to admit it even thought you hate doing it – respectful and bloody sweet. It's also a bit weird watching her on her date, but you tell yourself that this is a price you've got to pay to make sure that she doesn't get into any kind of trouble. But something different, a sinking emotion that you don't exactly recognize and that tightens your insides stirs in you as you watch her watch him, and suddenly you don't want to be there anymore because it feels like a violation of her trust and privacy more than watching out for her safety. You don't like being there anymore than Albus does and the tension starts to get to you both. By the end of the date you're mentally exhausted and regret the whole thing. You're glad that nothing that shouldn't have happened took place, but you feel filthy for spying on her. You start to get angry again, but this time it's at yourself.

You're almost to the point where you want to suggest going back to the castle when the unthinkable happens. They are about to head for the castle when out of the blue that shitface bends down and… _kisses_ her. You hold your breath as you watch her kiss him back and something moves inside you, coils like a snake about to snap. You've never really felt rage like this, it blinds you, the rush of blood in your ears deafens you. You literally see red and it's not her hair either. Without even realizing you are raising your wand and you're sure that you would have hexed the bastard into next Tuesday if Albus hadn't stopped you.

He pulled you into the next alley and you realized that he needed to get himself away from the sight as much as you need to stop it from ever happening. That's the first sign you had that the feelings you had were a lot different from the ones Al had. He was all red in the face and shaking… But even he could see that to reveal yourselves now would have been disaster. Lily would have dueled you both right then and there and send you both in the hospital.

You order your blood to cool, your heart to slow, your thoughts to stop creaming in your ear because you need to _think_ and you can't do that if you keep seeing them kissing in your head. You don't even begin to understand your reaction, there are too many emotions mixing up and you feels as if everything is happening to someone else and you can't even begin to understand yourself. You don't know why, but there is something in you that is not very much ok with what you just saw, and not in the overprotective brother kind of feeling. You quite simply feel betrayed and angrier than you have been your whole life. It's so irrational that you don't want to even begin to dwell on it, but nothing would make you happier than say, beat McCullen to a bloody pulp.

But as you start to calm down and fight back you emotions and irrationality, you start to see more clearly. You get yourselves together. You focus you mind, clear your thoughts and decide that whatever Lily Potter does and whoever she kisses is her business and that you should just be happy that she is happy. Of course, you will break both his legs if he ever makes her sad – _that_ part you know and can't deny that you'd enjoy it – but other than that, you think that the whole overreaction is just because of the shock of seeing someone you thought to be like a kid sister, kiss someone. You've always thought of Lily as a kid, that was the problem. You have to get used to the idea that she wasn't that much of one anymore. That she hadn't been a kid for quite a while in fact.

Lily is so happy for the rest of the week and you can't help but follow her around with her eyes. They are a couple now. They hold hands and laugh together. James glared with all his might at McCullen and Albus was no better. It's good to get to hate that creep but you don't really understand yourself anymore when it comes to Lily. You don't understand why you feel so… so resentful towards her. As if she betrayed a secret you were sharing. You start avoiding her as much as you can and afterwards you start avoiding the Common Room too, pulling impossible hours in the Library.

But you can't escape your thoughts. She's just what you're thinking of when a pair of hands shove you against the wall just as you were about to turn the corner towards the library.

"What the…"

"You're avoiding me." She accuses factually and you know before you even see her that she is the one staring you down – even though she is about a head shorter. Her eyes are lightened with some kind of emotion you don't recognize but there is also something else there that makes you look away. You don't want to get trapped in the intensity of her eyes, because somehow when she is looking at you like that, you never have the guts toile to her.

"So you figure shoving me against the stone wall is the solution?" you ask coldly, without bothering to keep the bite your of your tone.

"Thought it might get your attention." She snaps back, completely unfazed by your sarcasm.

"I haven't been avoiding you." You say and you know that you sound truthful because, at least on the most, part you are not lying. "School has been crazy, that's all. In case you don't remember, we both have really important exams coming up."

"Bullshit. Albus has NEWTs too, and apparently _he_ can find the time to at least spend one hour a day with me."

"Look, I haven't been doing it on purpose ok. Some of us actually _need_ to do good in these exams. Failing even one of them is not an option for me." You say slighty angrily and you notice how completely take aback she is by your tone. You've never talked to her like that before. Like she's irritating you. Like you want her to just disappear from your line of sight. She knows the tone – she's heard you use it before… just never with her.

"What's with you?" She asks and there is such genuine hurt in her voice and brown eyes that your heart almost breaks and you hate yourself. You pitch the bridge of your nose, exhausted. Your eyes burn when you close them, as if the skin inside your eyelid is made of sandpaper. You haven't had a decent nights' sleep in about two weeks. You haven't felt this worn out ever since your grandfather died a few years ago.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, I honestly didn't… I'm just _so_ tired, my mood is bloody disastrous." You say and the defeat in your slightly gravelly voice is just as evident as the slump of your shoulders.

"I mean, I didn't want to bug you or anything…" she says softly.

"You didn't."

"I guess I just…" You watch her look down to her shoes and shrug a bit, trying to give herself a nonchalant air that was too forced to be true. Nonchalant people don't shove other people against the wall, accusing them of avoidance as if it was murder. Your heart speeds up by a fraction. "I guess I missed you…" she finally says and you know in that moment that if you could, if you weren't such a coward and so confused, you would hug her tight and apologize…

But you don't. Recently you've found out that you real can't do that kind of things for her anymore.

"I'm sorry." You say softly, not moving an inch, and this time you really mean it. "I have been having a hard time lately." That's true as well. You don't think you're composed enough to lie believably to her right now. Your irritation at her has disappeared but by now you feel so tired that you know you could pass out right there. You almost wish you would. You feel like a trapped animal and you just want to get away from her.

"Yeah, I heard. I'm sorry about your breakup." She says and there's such an honest note of sympathy and sincerity in her tone that for a second you forget that looking in her eyes makes you uncomfortable lately and you do just that. You find something in her gaze that you dint expect: Lily Potter looking back at you. In that moment you remember who it is exactly that you've been trying so hard to avoid these past 2 weeks and that instead of disappearing, you just want to hug her ever more, because you missed her too. Terribly.

"Not that I needed him to point it out to me, but Al said that you've been really messed up lately. Avoiding him and people in general." Oh yeah, you've been avoiding people and especially Albus. You don't know why you feel unfit to be around him these days. You've been avoiding Lily too… but you don't want to dwell any more on that.

She looks at you as you stare into her eyes without knowing what to say and then before you can do anything about it, before you can even see her coming, she has her arms around your chest and her head above your heart and she's holding you tightly to herself… exactly the way you imagined doing, except… you you're too shocked to move a muscle. You don't return her embrace for a moment.

"You look so brokenhearted about it. I've never seen you like this Scorpius…" You put one arm around her shoulders lightly because you don't know what else to do and you don't want her to feel like you are not appreciating the gesture. You know that she is genuinely concerned about you but you really wish that she wouldn't be. You're barely breathing, but somehow the smell of her hair still finds a way into your nose imprinting itself in your brain.

"It was bound to happen I guess." You say slowly as your mind numbs out on you. No, it wasn't bound to happen, but it had happened anyway. And it had taken Lily five days to hear about it – which by Hogwarts standards was practically forever. But then again, you were not interesting enough to end up in the mouths of the gossipers – and you meticulously made sure to always stay under that particular radar - and she wasn't that much of a gossiper herself, so it was understandable. Or maybe she'd had better things to do with her time…

"What happened?" She asks as she lets you go and you don't know what to say to her, because you have no idea what happened yourself. You just know that you found yourself not wanting to be hugged or kissed anymore and you started distancing yourself and then the inevitable fight happened and you gladly took the chance to end it. Rachel was a nice girl but even she has her limits. You were sorry to hurt her, sorry to let her go but it had to happen. You wanted it to happen. It didn't feel like it was mean to be anymore, you felt like you were lying all the time. You hated yourself, but it was better to end it than to keep pretending.

"I'd rather not discuss the gory details right now, if you don't mind." You're almost begging her to let it drop.

"Sure, no problem. But you know, if or when you need a shoulder to cry on, mine's really comfortable. I'm really good at pretending to listen and care, you should know." She says smiling and the smile you give her is one that your lips haven't formed for about a couple of weeks. It's her smile – half ironic, half a joke. Always sincere.

"Yeah, your 'oohs' and 'aahhs' are always very well timed." You say and watch her smile widen. "But right now, I really need a shoulder to pass out on, actually." You say casually, but what you weren't expecting is the way her eyes lip up with purpose.

"No problem!" She says suddenly full of energy, grabs your wrist and drags you towards the next floor.

"Lily… our common room is six floor down." You point out without any particular interest. You know that anything you might have to say won't stop her.

"I know, but my hideout is closer."

"You have a hideout?" You ask, now more curious.

"Yup!"

"How very typical for a Potter…"

"Shut up Malfoy."

She drags you through a few more corridors until you reach the most western wind of the castle. People rarely com here because there are no classrooms or anything else really, just a few corridors that end up in small balconies.

"I found this place one time when I was looking for the Gryffindor common room back in first year and got lost." She explains as she nears one of the portraits that show a landscape of fields that look like washed in gold – you realize that it grain fields under the summer sun, the forest showing somewhere in the horizon. The wind blows gently, making the grain look like it's a sea of gold. Then Lily swings open the painting as if it were a door… and behind it there is what looks like living-room furnished with old furniture. Its round and not very big, there is a table, some portraits and two sofas that look very inviting to you this moment.

"Cool finding." You say as you step in.

"Thanks. I love it here…" Lily says as she steps over to the huge window and sits on the border. "It's nice isn't it?"

"Yep, it is…" And you can't help but wonder if she brought…

"And the sofa is perfect for a little nap." She ads and before she can even finish that you've already crashed on it. The pillows are soft and plush and you sigh in contentment.

"So this is where you disappear to sometimes?" You ask

"Yeah. It's good to be off the grid for a while. And besides, there's always so much light here. I love it."

You agree that the big windows and the light are definitely one of the best things about this little room. She talk to you some more, seats herself on the floor near to the couch and reads is silence, waiting for you to fall asleep while you watch the way the sun makes her red hair shine golden. It's strange how two colors so different can mingle in her hair, but they do. You have uneasy dreams in red and yellow and you feel chased or as if you're falling from great heights. You wake with a start and the first thing you look for is her… but she's not there and you feel your heart sink and that now familiar feeling of betrayal and abandonment set in again.


	7. 15 Broken up

_**15; Broken up**_

You're playing against Ravenclaw next Tuesday and you know that she is a bit nervous about facing off against her so called boyfriend, but you couldn't be more exited. You've been dying to break this guy's face for a while now. You don't even know how you handle the sight of them together anymore. Albus always pretends not to see them, but he says that he better get used to the idea. He is not opposed to your enthusiasm about smashing a Bludger into the guy's ribs however. This game is your big chance.

About 40 minutes into the game, Lily has already helped score 10 goals and the Snitch is nowhere in sight. You see the way he eyes her when she scores. There is resentment in his eyes and you think, this asshole doesn't deserve her. McCullen is searching for the little golden ball and you are trailing after the Blugders, trying to keep anyone from falling off on their ass, chasing after your perfect moment… and then it comes to you, as if fate destined this for you all along: McCullen starts to speed towards the left border of the field just the same instant when a free Bludger is trailing your way. You don't think about it at all, you act as if you've been planning this all along.

The second that Bludger comes into your range, you hit it with all the strength you can master right into the blue-and-black Seeker's direction. The Ravenclaw Beater wants to stop it, but the hit was too strong and the target too close to you to be missed. The Bludger knocks McCullen off his broom just as he was about to reach the golden Snitch – which in turn was caught by the Sarah Hart, the Slytherin seeker.

Everybody said that you won that game for your team, but really, winning the match had not been what was on your mind in that moment. Sure you'd wanted to stop a Seeker from getting to the Snitch… but more than that, you just really wanted to hit a guy that had been playing with your last never for a long time now. That's what Albus congratulates you on, it's what you are smiling about in the end.

And apparently it's also what Lily is looking not so very happy about as the team comes down around Sarah to celebrate. She disengages herself from the celebration and goes to see if McCullen is alright. His team is gathered around him and they let her through. You don't see what happens, but after a few seconds McCullen is standing and he doesn't seem too keen on letting Lily help him. His team take him to the changing rooms and you watch as she is left there staring after him… but only for a few moments, because the next minute she follows them. And you _hate_ McCullen for it.

At the celebratory party in the common room everyone is having a great time and you are all planning about beating Gryffindor next, but she is not there. When she does come in, she joins the feast but she's not really in her best mood. She laughs and smiles and let people scoop her up and carry her around when they congratulate her on the massive amount of goals she made possible. She never loses the ball, she is the one that can travel from one corner of the field to the other without getting knocked off her broom once. And yet, in the next few days she looks like she's always in a bad moon and you start to suspect something.

Until one day, about a week after the game, you sit yourself on the lunch table and there is a lot more chat than usual. The whole company around Clarissa Burns is lively, but its obvious from the hushed tones of the conversation that it's just insane gossip. It only when you hear her name that your ears pipe up.

"No way!"

"I'm telling you, it's true, he totally dumped her. I mean, it was like, completely quiet and all, and he was nice about it because he is afraid the Albus Potter and the Weasleys are going to cut him into little pieces, but that's that."

"I haven't seen her all day."

There's a little snicker from Clarissa. "She locked the entire third floor bathroom off with a spell, nobody can get in. She's been in there for a couple of hours, I saw her get in."

"Oh…"

"Oh, poor Lily…"

"What, feeling sorry for her now?"

"Well, it's not _her_ fault that McCullen has the ego that needs its own chair and can't take a little competition."

Clarissa snorted. "Competition? Please, like _that_ will ever happen!"

But by this time you're already up and heading to the third floor. You can't hear what those girls say as they watch you get up, you can't see the looks they give you.

Never mind that you've hardly spent 5 minutes with Lily since the last time she shoved you against a wall. You don't think about that as you head out of the Hall. In some corner of your brain you know that you're using what you heard as an excuse. You don't know why you're suddenly so thrilled. You prefer not to analyze yourself because you know that it'll make you turn around. The bathroom was locked and there was no sound coming from inside. But you know that she is in there, crying.

This is the first time that you know that for sure. Stupidly, you'd thought her quite incapable of it, seeing that she had never shed a tear in your presence. You admire her strength, as well as many other things about her, like the way she talk to people. The way she uncompromisingly always stands up for herself, or how she never lets her cousins dress her up as if she were their doll even though they're always insisting. Somehow you like even the things you hate about her: how she is so strict and stubborn, or how she is so manipulative sometimes. You want to knock and let her know that you're out here, but you don't. So why aren't you leaving?

What would Albus do, you ask yourself, but the answer to that question is easy. He'd break down the door if he had to… You take example as best as you can and you knock lightly.

"It's me." You say quietly and for a moment she doesn't answer back. "Can I come in?"

"This is the girl's bathroom Malfoy, go find your own." She says from inside, and you smile because there is no tears in her tone, just anger and defiance. She is not as bad as you thought her to be and that makes you feel better.

"I'm feeling unconventional. Let me in." You don't hear anything from within and you know that she is not going to let you in. "Come on, Lily don't make me break this spell you got going on here. I really don't want to make a mess."

"Like you would be able to. Uncle Billy taught me to perform this spell so unless you're a specialist Curse-breaker, you've got no chance."

"You've cursed the bathroom closed?" You ask astonished at her nerve and even though it sounds impossible, a tiny portion of your brain doesn't rule out the possibility. You hear her groan out of frustration.

"Go _away_ Malfoy." But this time her voice sounds, closer, as if she's come closer to the door than she was before.

"Fine then. I'll just wait here." You say and you sit yourself down leaning against the door between you and her, fully intending to stay there. You feel confident that the thought of you sitting it out in the corridor is going to irritate her to the point where she'll come out just to smack you around the head herself.

"Why? Just leave me alone!" She snaps irritable and you wince at her tone. You feel like reminding her that it's her ex she is mad at and not you, but you don't think this would be a good time to do so.

"We've been friends since forever Lil, come on." You don't like that note in your voice that makes you sound like your patronizing her – you didn't mean to sound like that. And you know it's an unfair argument (you're pretty sure she is going to rub it in your face too) because you've hardly talked to her since that day she showed you her so called hideout.

"Oh, you remembered that didn't you? And _now_ you care?" She hisses. "Well, I think I'll pick this moment to take my turn on the whole hiatus thing you've been practicing on our friendship lately." She is angry at you of course and she is not spearing you any of it.

"I'm surprised you noticed, with you being so busy with your _boyfriend_ and everything lately." You snap back because even though you knew she would say something like that, it still infuriates you. You get angry at her because of it, because it's easier, because you don't want to feel anything else over the fact that even though she had a boyfriend, she noticed you weren't around, she missed you anyway. You don't want to let that mean anything to you because you know it means something completely different to her.

"Piss off Malfoy."

"You first, Potter!"

The silence between you stretches on for about 10 minutes. When you're sure that she thinks you're gone, you decide to break it. "I'm still here, just in case you were wondering."

"I thought I told you to _go away_!" She is not any calmer than she was before and she doesn't sound amused or softened by your persistence either. You should have guessed, you think irritably. You hate her stubbornness at the moment.

"Hey, you don't own the corridors. I can stay here as long as I like." You retort.

"Don't you have classes to go to?"

"Right back at you, Miss Heartbreak." You know that you really shouldn't tease her, but you can't help it. Maybe you'll manage to annoy her out of her sadness.

She groans. "What are you trying to do Malfoy, irritate me to death?" the anger in her tone is not concealed at all and you know that she is now seriously considering coming out and hexing your mouth off. You smile at the thought before you can stop yourself.

"I was thinking more along the lines of cheering you up. Doesn't convention require for the so called friend to do that for you right now?"

"Yeah, it does. So what are _you_ doing here?"

You roll your eyes. You don't believe her for a second. "Nice, Potter. Now say it like you mean it about a thousand more times and maybe I'll believe you."

Silence is the only response that greets your words and that surprises you. You expected some sarcasm, maybe another carefully delicate insult but she is quiet as a mouse.

"Lily?"

She doesn't speak but a strange soft sounds comes from behind the door you are leaning against. Is she sniffling? Is… is she _crying_? You can't believe yourself. You made her cry? _You_ made her cry… She wasn't crying when you got here, she was angry. Now it's your fault. You can't believe the way you feel when you hear a soft sob – it's like a tiny needle that pierces something on the inside of your chest. Ok, that hurt in a very unfamiliar way. You want to break down the door and just get to her, do something to make her stop, to make her feel better. Do anything!

"Please leave." She whispers and your chest tightens. "_Please_, just go away…"

_I'm sorry…_

"You're going to have to come out and make me." You say softly and you hear another sob.

"Why is it so impossible to have some peace and quiet around here?" she asks and her voice feels so frail. The is the most vulnerable you've ever heard her and you don't know if you've ever felt so much anger in your life. Anger that burns along with a feelings inside you that seems to be its complete opposite and still somehow those two can make space for each other and not blend. You focus on the one you understand better on the one that doesn't make you want to cream – you focus on the way you're going to make McCullen's life a living hell.

"Not when you choose to lock yourself in a bathroom, it's not."

You hear her sigh and it's a lot closer now. With the door in between its not the same thing, but you can guess that she is sitting down on the floor too. "Pretty dramatic choice, huh?" she says. You can just imagine how her eyes look puffy and red right now and all you want is to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Yeah. You really got Clarissa Burn's attention." Another groan and then you heard what you suppose is her head hit lightly against the door.

"Perfect. Just what I needed."

"Yup. So the school is going to know in about 15 minutes and then Al will find out so I suggest you go explain some things to him, Hugo and Rose because blood and guts are really difficult to get off the carpets." There is only silence from the other side and you smirk. "Or maybe you should just hold out in there a bit longer. I'm sure it shouldn't take longer than an hour or so. I bet McCullen has already shit his pants."

"Yeah, maybe I should just hide in here a little longer…"

You chuckle. "Now that's the Slytherin I know. Letting other people do your dirty work, are you Potter?"

"Nah, just being fair I suppose. I already got my chance." She says lightly and you can't help the chuckle that escapes. So she fucked him up herself? Nice… "And so did you, by the way." She adds and there is a different tone in her voice. Even though you can't see her face, you can tell that there is something more to what she is saying.

"What? I never did anything to your boy-toy." You say and you know that you're being a bit too defensive because even though you really never hurt McCullen, you dreamt about it often enough to make it seem reality.

"You practically broke his ribs last week." She says and even thought she sounds like she is complaining, you can practically hear the little smirk on her lips. You don't know how, you just can. You've known her for too long now, you can read her face without even seeing her – her tone is enough.

"That was during a Quiditch game." You reply outraged. You start getting fidgety because knowing that she suspects you did it on purpose makes you uncomfortable. "Come on, what did you expect, that I should have gone over and politely asked him _not_ to catch the Snitch if he'd be so kind?"

"That's what _I_ kept saying! That arrogant asshole…" And with that she opens the door and you almost fall backwards, because you had been leaning against it. You only get a glimpse of her from down there before standing up hastily.

"Are you telling me that he broke up with you because we won a Quiditch game?" You ask turning to face her and you see that little wrinkle appear between her eyebrows the one that always shows up whenever she looks at you like you're insane.

"Who says _he_ broke up with me? _I_ dumped the dipshit!"

You smile. "Good for you… So, if things stand that way, why were you locked in there?" You ask and she looks at you as if you're the new enemy.

"That's none of your business." She snaps a little too fast so you put your hands up in your defense. Her eyes and lips are puffy and red just like you imagined. _Exactly_ like you imagined. Her freckles are looking just as harassed as she does because she is a bit paler than usual. Her long hair is messy, like she ran her hand through it one time too many. Without thinking you reach out and smooth it down and her surprised expression follows your movement.

"Alright then." You say smiling but the second you look into her eyes you are taken aback because you've gotten way too close to her for your comfort. Lately being within 5 feet of her is too close, but the way your skin starts heating up right now is… unparalleled. Your clothes are suddenly uncomfortable and you feel like a you're being blasted with a heat-wave. You're sure she can feel that and the thought causes reactions in you that you really don't want to deal with. But she keeps looking at you strangely, with brown eyes that are so concentrated they seem fierce, as if something is lighting her irises up from inside her skull.

And just like that, you can't really help yourself. You don't know why you do it, but you do it anyway: you open up your arms in the invite for an embrace that seems innocent enough and wink at her to keep it playful.

"Friend with hugging capacity is now available." You say smiling and you watch her face change, her entire expression freezing up and then melting into another – of hurt, almost close to tears again - as her bottom lip trembles almost imperceptibly. Before you can ask her what's the matter, she has already taken you up on your offer, her arms around your chest and holds on tightly, her cheek resting tight above your heart. You hold her tightly right back, automatically. You have no idea what is wrong – by now you know she would never cry over someone like McCullen - but you don't feel like you need t know in that moment.

She feels so uncharacteristically frail as you hold her in your arms, and you don't know how to make it better for her, so you act on that protective instinct that you always had around her and pull her closer, hold her tighter. You don't know what your embrace is supposed to make her feel but you hope she feels safer, because saying that there is very little you wouldn't do for her is not an understatement. You feel that conviction seep into you even deeper than you thought was possible. Into layers of your brain and skin that make your fingers twitch and that constrict your chest in a way you never really felt so acutely before.

In that small second you feel so powerful that you know, if she needed you to tear the world apart, you'd find a way to do it.

"What is it? Why are you so upset?" You ask in a whisper, but she just shakes her head against your heart and doesn't say anything. A moment later she loosens her embrace and you let her step away from you. The second she does, you find a way to be unsatisfied and uncomfortable about it. You realize that because once she breaks the embrace, that feeling of totally certainty and clarity that you had a moment ago disappears and so does the warmth inside your skin - you only realize it was there once it's gone.

You can hardly keep up with yourself anymore, but still, you don't want to make her feel as awkward as you feel. As gracefully as you can you take a step back and putting a hand over her shoulder you try to guide her towards the Great Hall. But she doesn't move. She keeps looking at you with that intensity that frightens you and you search your brain for something to say just so that you can break this moment.

"What is it? Do I have something on my flawless face?" You say smiling and even as you try to keep it together in a decent way with a playful smirk, you feel like a bloody idiot, the biggest one that ever walked the earth and wasted everyone's oxygen. Because you know you'll look like a right wanker. It's surely is impossible to lie to her when she looks at you like she knows exactly what you're thinking. To you it seems like the sharpness of her eyes has a tone of accusation to which your insides respond. You don't know why but you suddenly want to get away from her, as far away as possible. But her stare has pinned you down, rooted you on the spot.

You wish you could come up with decent excuses as fast as you can.

But you don't…


	8. 15 Ugly

**15; Ugly**

_You wish you could come up with decent excuses as fast as you can.  
>But you don't…<em>

"Did you know that I'm the only fifth year girl that has never had a boyfriend." It's not a question. There is nothing in her tone that wants for an answer from you, but you know that you have to say something, anything, to deviate this situation. But this moment is starting to stretch on into forever – the look in her eyes is giving it the inconsequential constancy of infinity. You find that even though your brain is telling you to watch yourself, because you're about to step over a line of no return, an instinct from somewhere else – somewhere between your neck and two inches above your bellybutton, an area which feels completely unstable at the moment – is suggesting something entire different with a vehemence that is making you lightheaded. You don't know why it feels as if the way she is looking at you is draining your brain from any form of logic…

"You just dumped your boyfriend." You point out and your tone is so flat that even to your ears it sounds like a poor excuse. An excuse for what, you wonder. What is it that you two are really talking about here?

"He wasn't my _boyfriend_." She says as if she is bothered by the thought. "One date and a few kisses don't count as boyfriend… And my first kiss was a fraud. Leonard Grey, on my first weekend out in Hogsmead ... he had just wanted his picture in the gossip column of some trashy magazine." Your blink in surprise, for the moment distracted away from the incredible lack of coherent thoughts inside your head.

You'd never heard about that... _nobody_ ever had, or the word would have spread Hogwarts like the plague. Not to mention that after what the Potter-Weasley colony would have done to Grey, his body would never have been found. But Leonard Grey was to this day and age perfectly unscathed (not for long he would remain so though, you think fisting your hands a little) You look at her with confusion in your eyes and she smirks a little.

"I hexed the photographer, broke his camera and told Leonard that if anyone ever heard about this I would simply tell all of my relatives about what he had tried to do." She smirks and so do you. She's always been practical when it came to solving her problems.

"How come the photographer didn't publish the story?" you ask quietly and she snorts. You don't know if your relieved or unbelievable vexed that the fierceness of her stare has numbed out.

"Are you serious? I'm Lily _Potter_, my father defeated the most evil wizard of all time. You think he was enthusiastic about getting in the bad side of the Boy-who-lived?" She asks and you chuckle. "The photographer thought I knew about the arrangement." She ads calmly.

"So why did you hex him?"

She shrugs and bites her lip like she does when she is caught going something she shouldn't be doing. "I was pissed, what do you expect? I'm not exactly the '_ask questions first, shoot later_' kind of girl." You smile at that, because you know that it's true sometimes, but not always. She is not as hotheaded as she wants to make people believe. She likes to create that image about herself so that she can get away with loosing it at times and doing whatever she wants at others, but you know that in truth she is a lot more calculating and cool-headed than she leads on.

"Anyway, I talked to Jonathan right after breakfast, and by eleven I overheard Clarissa and her friends talking about it behind one of the greenhouses." There is a rueful look on her face that makes you think whatever she heard is not going to be good. "They were making fun of me. Did you know that they call me '_the ugly duckling' _ofmy family? Apparently I'm one of the top five most unattractive girls in Hogwarts." She says factually. There was no emotion behind the statement and that was what worried you. Besides her deciding that she wanted to date McCullen, this is the second stupidest thing you've ever heard.

"Maybe before saying something like that, Clarissa should take her boyfriend's opinion on the matter." You say drily, because you know exactly what Clarissa Burn's slimy boyfriends thinks about the girl that is currently standing right by your side. In fact, what Gregory Bledel thinks of Lily and a particular part of her anatomy had earned him a broken nose and a black eye that lasted for weeks. But it's no matter, because you're alredy planning: the next time you see her, Clarissa is going to lose all her hair - eyebrows and eyelashes included. Lindsey is going to sit on a cushion that makes a farting noise during Transfiguration class and Elena is going to win herself a new acne infection. And these are plans, not fantasies.

"Ugh, that's gross, Greg is such a sleaze. But that's not the point. I mean, I know that I'm...that I'm not exactly…" you watch her swallow as if she is wishing she could gulp gown the words she has just said. You don't think you've ever seen her this nervous. You start to frown because if before you thought she was angry about what she's overheard, now you have the sneaking suspicion that she actually agrees with those girls. She is fidgeting. She never fidgets like this.

"That you're not what?" You ask in a voice that you didn't even realize was that low.

She shrugs, that almost habit of hers, always a sure sign that she is not as flippant as she wanted to appear about what she is saying. She looks down, at her shoes and crosses her arms, leaning against the wall. You keep looking at her as she looks everywhere but in your eyes and this time, the thought of dropping the subject doesn't even come near you.

"I know that I'm not exactly a rare beauty. I mean, come on, who are we kidding? But that hardly warrants that degree of meanness – Sure, in comparison to Victoire and Dominique, everyone pales, but… anyway, that's not the point."

"Good." You say a bit more harshly than you intended and she looks up at you, visibly startled. "Because that was the stupidest thing I've ever heard in a long, long time." You add and she for a moment you two just stare at each other. The way she looks at you is foreign, but then again, you seem to be looking at her in a new way a lot lately. This time you don't want to break the moment – it ends only when she looks at her shoes again. The roles are reversed.

"The point is that my lacking of allure came up because they were discussing something… something that really is none of their business, but…" she hesitates again and you know that out of all the other times when she has been nervous and awkward around you, this definitely takes the cake. For the first time, you don't know whether to poke her for information or just let her find her own time. Usually you can tell which one is the way to go, but not this time. Probably because she is not even looking at you. The next second she sighs deeply and it almost feels like she is admitting defeat, especially going by the way her shoulders slump.

"That doesn't even matter. I think I'm just suffering from a wounded ego or something." She says as she finally raises her head to meet your eye. You can tell the second she looks at you that she is hiding something, that she is probably lying her way out of this. You cannot fathom why she would ever feel like she has to do that. You're so stunned by her lying to your face that you can't even call her out on it.

"I mean, I knew that Clarissa was a bitch, but I thought she actually liked me. I just feels so _stupid_ for ever thinking she was worth the effort. It's like she played me, and it happened just because I was too blind to see her games for what they were." She says and she is looking right in your face as she speaks. She says it as if every word that leaves her mouth drags out of her the last bits of energy she has left… but she is still saying those words. It's still a lie, even if it's an unwilling one.

You know that she is no innocent little spirit, that she _could_ lie – and lie well. She is able of the craftiest manipulations – you've watched her in action as she sometimes uses that art for twisting language and quick thinking to get out of the most variable forms of trouble she has landed herself in for the past 5 years. Trouble that would have ended in long hours of detention for anyone less shrewd. The simple act of lying is not what befuddles you – it's the fact that she lied to _you_. You don't remember her ever doing that so deliberately before…

You never thought that knowing this would be so hurtful. You feel so bad, the sinking feeling inside your chest something that to that day was unprecedented. You have to admit, never did tell each other everything, but you never lied to her about anything either. And from this particular perspective, knowing that she is non-metaphorically lying through her teeth, to your face, blood rushes into to your ears in a loud _whoosh_, and you feel so out of control that for the smallest part of one single second, you don't know what to do with yourself… or with her.

But that second passes and you're left in guilt and a strange brad of desperation that leaves you wanting to cream.

But instead you look at her, _really_ look at her for what seems to be the very first time. Because you've never before looked at her to deliberately analyze her appearance, not as you do now, with the heat of that rush still echoing inside you like a drum. She has that particular kind of arrangement of features that one can either love or hate, without any middle grounds at all. High cheekbones, narrow jaw and pointy chin that make her face look a bit like a triangle. Small mouth, lips that can crook in a hundred different smiles. Elegant nose, with an imperceptible bump on its bridge and slightly squished at the tip – it always gives her smiles a peculiar mischievous quality – but her nose is something she hates, almost as much as her freckles. They dust her nose and cheeks and they always attracted you attention to her deep-set eyes for some reason. Long but not very thick eyelashes of a light color, to match her vibrant shade of red hair that by now almost reaches her elbows and is ever so undecided between being curly or straight… Lily Potter.

You don't know why your heart sinks like you're falling off a broom and why your breathing accelerates because your skin seems to be on fire and your heart is going like crazy. It's like an assault to the senses and suddenly, just like that, you know _exactly_ what you want and with a shiver you feel everything going into place: why you've been so annoyed, so irritatingly unsatisfied with everything around you, so petulant. For the first time in about a month – maybe even longer - you know what you want, what you _need_, with a clarity that breaks your heart, that makes you want to die.

You bite your lip just in time to stop what you were about to say in a moment of momentary insanity. But you can't help the rush of adrenaline, the way your thoughts curl and wrap themselves around the girl that is standing there in front of you. All the torture changes shape, from something that is painfully confusing and agitating, it transforms into the prelude of something so sweet, so strengthening that you can't help but reach for it. You can't help it that your initial reaction focuses on lips hands cheeks neck, on your arms around her and holding on to her until you can feel her underneath your skin… the memory of her in your arms not 5 minutes ago takes a life of its own.

Then you remember who it really is you're thing about… _Lily Potter. _15 years old Lily, Albus' little sister Lily. Your friend Lily. The Lily that trusts you so much…

It's like a whiplash has just landed on your back and you straighten and wrap yourself up quickly into one piece again – without you ever realizing you'd fallen apart for one split second… You have the unbearable need to have her look at you now, almost with the same urgency you wanted to run away from her burning stare 10 minutes ago.

"Lily…" you whisper her name and you're stunned how differently it now rolls in your mouth, out of your lips.

She looks up at you surprised, as if she was so lost in her thoughts that she's forgotten you were there. She looks like she wants to say something, but the second she meets your eyes, the words die in her mouth, as if whatever she seen in your face hushes her into silence. For a brief moment her reaction makes you wonder if you ever cleaned your face of your emotions. You probably didn't. The way she is looking at you now, so direct and open, drains your brain of almost every thought.

"What?" she asks in such a hushed tone that her lips barely move. You look at her and you start to feel as if you're drowning. Your head feels lighter, your body heaver and it's like you're standing six inches behind yourself, looking at a stranger. In that tiny moment everything is possible and you could explode from the marvelous complete perfectness of it all.

You're not thinking at all, you can't move a muscle. Its she that shifts so that she can come closer, so that she can look at you better. It's as if she doesn't even notice moving, but you do and your breathing picks up. You feel the heat of her on you as if she were fire. You feel her warm breath on your face, she is suddenly so close that the warmth of her makes your skin tingle. You haven't really noticed when or how you bend your head down but she is looking up to you as if in wonder and your faces are four inches apart.  
>Her eyes are so close, so much darker than usual, the light brown irises look alive, as if the color is swirling. You've never notice before, but around her pupils, her irises are sprayed with little green flecks and the brown around those flecks is almost golden. Her lids are heavy on those eyes and you feel your own start to close instinctively. Yet you don't shut them, because you can't get enough of this moment, you don't want to miss her face. You feel like floating, almost as if in a dream. Nothing really matters, in this moment you're frozen in time and space, hovering, like in a Chagall painting - the lover's kiss.<br>The heat of the hand that she fists on your shirt, right over your heart, burns right through the layers and in directly on your skin. There is no question now that she can feel the insanity of your heart as it tries to escape your chest. Your forehead touches hers as she comes even closer and she finally closes her eyes, with a sigh that caresses your lips and curls around your entire body as if it were a lick of fire. She angles her head just as she raises herself in her tiptoes and your noses brush deliciously. The anticipation is so great, so incredibly sweet, that you think your head is spinning.  
>You don't know how your hand finds its way her hair, right on the nape of her neck, but it tangles there in the fire that belongs to her and it feels like it's there to stay forever and the breath that leaved her lips as you touch her tinkles yours. You breathe her in avidly cases the back of her neck with slow , lazy fingers. She is so warm, it's impossible, better than any dream. The heat of her curls around your hand, your arm like fire, melting in your chest and liquefying everywhere you thin think you never really knew desire until this moment. When you feel the touch of her lips ever so slightly brush against your bottom lip, you think you are going to die for sure. So soft, so hot that your lips burn… they part instinctively, you're <em>dying<em> to taste her…

"You're _so_ dead Cormac!" The sound of that unknown voice feels like it tears your entire world apart in a boom that hurts your eardrums. You were both so swallowed by your own silences made of each other's breaths and heartbeats, that at that interruption you both shuddered and jumped apart like pieces of a shrapnel, both breathing hard like you've run marathon, looking at each other wide eyed. You frantically look around for the ruiner of your moment, hoping against hope not to find anybody because you honestly have no idea what you are capable of doing to them at the state you find yourself in.

"I can _not_ believe you just threw that dungbomb at me! I am reporting you right this minute!" The voice comes from two stores up and even farther down some corridor resounds a laugh and then some hurried steps, someone chasing another down the hall.

You two only look at each other and it feels as if you've awoken from a dream. A beautiful, amazing dream – you will hate the one who woke you forever – but still, a dream. Something that fells as out of reality as an almost kiss… she looks frightened as she stares at you. She hasn't moved an inch and now there is a whole 2 feet between you. Her lips still burn on yours still, you can still feel her hand over your heard, feel the sweet scent of her hair and soap still lingering in the air around you, inside your lungs too. You swallow with difficulty.

You know she is waiting for you to say something, do something… but this is no longer a dream, and you can remember who you are now. you don't know how she does it, you wish she wouldn't know you as well as she does, because the second you think '_I'm so sorry'_, the very moment that your brain reaches out to her brother, to your friendship with him, to your friendship with her and everything that is at stake and that you are too afraid to gamble, her face hardens and before you can say anything she has turned away and ran.

You can still hear the sound of her steps fading away as you push lean against the wall for support. Your knees are still trembling. You push your hands in your hair and pull hard until it hurts. You don't know what you hope to achieve. Maybe you hope that by pulling your hair you will manage to pull a solution for this humongous fuckup out of your scalp or something. But nothing comes to you. Just pain, disappointment, shame, more pain over making her feel any rejection. Albus would never forgive you, you know that for a fact. He'd feel betrayed and you have to admit, you can easily put yourself in his shoes. It's the ultimate low.

You taste your lips and she is still there. You imagine her taste lingering in your mouth as you pull your bottom lip between your teeth and run your tongue on it. You can still smell the scent of her hair, your lips still burn. You pull your hair harder, but nothing goes away. Something inside you coils and uncoils and it hurts, you chest is about to explode.

This doesn't feel normal. This is not the way crushes feel, the way infatuation has ever felt before. This hurts. This is like getting Splinched feels like…


	9. 15 Give me back my kiss

**15; Give me back my kiss**

She avoids you with a vengeance. She stares at you – not amiably at all - when she thinks you won't notice, she glares at the back of your head – you can feel the hair on your neck raise up every time she does. You are relieved at the effort she is putting into it, because this way you don't have to be the one to avoid her. You're not sure you'd have quite the perseverance she has at it.

Because whatever insanity made you almost kiss her in that corridor has not faded. Not one little bit. None of the things you feel whenever she is around get any better, or slower or less corrosive. When you see her, you physically hurt somehow, somewhere inside your skin. You miss her with an intensity that almost breaks you, miss things about her that you didn't even know could be missed. And of course you miss her, she is one of your very few real friends. One of the people you trust, that you have always talked to for years. She is dear to you and you care for her deeply… but lately things have shifted into somewhere uncomfortable for you both. It feels as if you've come across something unchangeable, as if whatever you two had has hit rock bottom.

Nothing depresses you more than this thought, nothing makes you angrier, but there is no way around it. You can't be around her, because you just can't stand it, it's not the same thing as it always has been. Now it's hot needles poking at your chest every time your eyes meet.

And you apparently are not very good at being without her either. The thought of her is a permanent fixation whenever she is not there physically – so in a way, you are never without her. It stretches to the extent that you can hardly concentrate on anything for more than 3 minutes, because her face, eyes lips cheeks lips lips _lips_ neck hands arms around you_everything_ will pop up in your brain you don't even have the decency to stop thinking about it. You never change the direction of your thoughts in time for some reason.

It's pathetic to try and deny it, you think. You… you fancy her? That sounds so frivolous. Not to mention completely inappropriate. '_Fancy'_ is the wrong word. It doesn't even seem to cover the magnitude of the divide between what the words implies and what you feel. You've always loved her, _always_, in a lot of different ways. She was always around and you always cared. Loved her as a friend, as a little sister, loved her like you love Rose, like you love Albus.

And now it's just… different. She is the same to you and yet so completely altered. Now all you think about is her and it's impossible to deny the reality that is staring you in the face.

Is it? Really? Trying to answer that frightens you, you don't want to…

But you know what infatuation feels like, you've been attracted to girls before. You remember the confused feelings that always died out in the end no matter what you did. You always went after your emotions, you liked chasing them, making them roar inside you. You like feeling that alive more than you usually liked the person standing beside you that is making you feel that way. Maybe that is the reason your feelings starved out: you never fed them anything real, you never knew how. Maybe you don't even know how tor really feel, maybe you're just a collector of small impressions that were always too weak to shift anything inside you.

And all this makes you afraid. Afraid of her, of how she makes you feel without even being there. You know yourself too well to risk one of the most precious things you've ever had – her friendship, Albus' friendship – for your next caprice.

You have no idea how to deal with yourself…

So you don't. you hide. Usually by trying not to think about it, especially when you're with other people. There is something about the way she makes you feel that can't be kept from being reflected on your face as if you were an open book. You're afraid of the way you react whenever she crosses your line of vision, which is why you're thankful that she is taking such pains to remove herself from it fort the time's being.

But when you're alone… that's when you can't even attempt to run away from yourself. In whatever corner of your brain you decide to take refuge, she is there. Even in Aritmanzy there is something that will remind you of her and you think you're going bonkers. You're one month away from NEWTs and you can barely concentrate on anything. She is always there, burned on the inside of your lids whenever you close your eyes, almost as if you'd been dazzled by strong sunlight.

You can't escape the guilt either: she is not just Lily Potter, she is _Albus'_ little sister. He is your best friend, almost a brother. You've been best friends ever since you were 8 years old. You've gotten each other in and out of so much trouble that it's not even worth counting. Albus is quite simply the one person whose friendship you don't ever want to lose.

So you're sure if whatever idiocy you're on about now is not worth the loss of your best friends.

Besides, you know firsthand how fanatic Albus gets when it comes to Lily. You can even see his point, weirdly enough. Probably because he knows that she looks up at him as if he were her own personal hero. You don't want to get in the middle of that, you're sure that Lily doesn't want that either… going by the lengths she is going _not_ to be in the same room with you for more than a few seconds, she probably is angry at you for trying. You still can't believe the stupidity, the impulsivity of that moment. If you could go back and undo it you would. You would take it back in a heartbeat… as long as you were allowed to remember what it felt like to be that close to her.

You drop your head on your open book with a groan. You can't deny what you feel and you can't pretend that it's not there to stay for a while. By the way your fingers twitch whenever you think about that almost-kiss, that is the sole certainty you have. It's not a good thing…

You still can't tell where it began, or how.

Stupidly, you blame McCullen.

The loud thumping of three heavy books on your table gets your attention very admirably. You snap your glare up to see Rose as she seats herself on the vacant seat next to yours.

"What the bloody hell?" You say but it's not really a question, just a lame protest for her startling you out of the mire of your thoughts like that. Albus should be by any minute now, you're supposed to study together for NEWTs. Albus has been noticing your strange behaviors, your moody sulking. He tried talking to you, but really, what could you say?

Rose on the other hand just gives you these long, penetrating stares and doesn't say anything. You don't like how she looks at you, you feel her intelligence becomes somewhat indecent when she pokes about in people's private business. Right now, she only glares at you with blue eyes that are narrowed down on you as if you're one of her assignments she has to complete. _Brilliant_, you think cynically. Now you're on Rose Wesley's bloody '_things to do'_ list_._

And just on cue, she starts. "Don't roll your eyes at me Malfoy. This has got to stop, you hear me?" she hisses and its angry enough to make her threatening.

"Keep it down will you, you're going to get us thrown out before we ever start. And what the hell would you mean by that?" You ask at your own peril you know. But you kind of want someone to figure it out. You were so used over the east to talking to Albus and Rose about everything that now that you can't, you feel as if your head is going to explode from all the thoughts accumulating in it.

"You bloody well know what I mean. I know you've fought before, but you haven't been talking in almost a week. It's getting ridiculous!"

"I know…" You say in a deceitfully calm voice. Inside you're boiling. You have no idea how much Rose knows but you're almost sure she doesn't know about the exact nature of your fight with Lily, otherwise she wouldn't be here talking, she'd be hexing… You hear her sigh and you know she is going to try the 'be reasonable' approach. It's worked before. Reasonable is Rose's strong point.

"Look, whatever it is that you've fought about, just make up ok. If being mad at each other is making you both so miserable than maybe apologizing is worth the effort."

You look at her surprised. "Lily is miserable?" You ask, almost without realizing the words are out of your mouth. It's Rose's time to roll her eyes now. But she doesn't tease or coax afterwards. She speaks really plainly and to you that is proof that she is worried.

"She is really upset Scorpius, I don't think I've ever seen her like this. She won't talk to me or Hugo and she doesn't want to talk to Albus either." You gulp down with difficulty. Knowing that you had upset her so baldly makes you feel like a right lecherous bastard. You know that Lily and Rose had a very secretive relationship, that she loves to talk to her brother about everything, that Hugo has been and probably always will be her favorite playmate and fellow hellraiesr. Now you've taken all that away. You've left her alone and you're too much of a coward to face your screw-up.

You run a hand harshly through your hair, making it look like you're trying to pull it out. You miss the way Rose is looking at you, the worry in her eyes. You don't know that the only reason Albus hasn't confronted you about this sooner is because he can seen how fucked up you are about it. You haven't been as subtle as you think you have. They have noticed your distance, your distraction. They just don't know the real cause.

You close your book and get up purposefully.

"Are you going to talk to her?" Rose asks hopefully. You nod.

"I'm going to apologize." You clarify and the fact that you said it out loud makes it clear to you why you've been delaying. You've been hoping, like the bastard that you are, that she would come to you. That you wouldn't need to apologize. That she would… You convinced yourself that you can't do anything about it just because you were hoping she would be the one to do something. As if that would make it ok…

"Wait, what?" Rose's tone stops you and you look at her only to find her very much confused. "Why would you apologize?" she asks.

"It's my fault that we're not speaking, so…" From the way Roe frowns, you realize that there is something here that is very much confusing.

"I thought it was the other way around." Rose explains. "Lily told me _she_ did something to upset you and that's why you're not talking. She didn't want to tell me what…"

You sigh and can't help the rueful smile. This is the worst you've felt in a long time. "Do you know where she is right now?" You ask, because you feel so tired, you really don't want to look for her all over the castle.

"I last saw her with her friends in the fifth floor study hall."

You look for her there, but all you find are her dorm-friends and a couple of Ravenclaws that tell you Lily just left. You have no idea what to do or where to look for her. You have half a mind to wait until you meet her in the common room but you know that that would be stalling. The closest place you think of looking is in her so called hiding-place. Yu think she might be there but you're wrong. All that greets you in that little circular room is the sun and the quiet.

You feel like a fool. A restless one. You take the castle from the top, walking the most popular corridors, searching her favorite places along the way. You hate that it's not a school-day. If it had been, you might as well have pulled her out of class by lying to her teacher, but at least you would have had defined places where to look for her. Now you have no…

You bump with someone and instinctively, you hope it's her. But before you can get the '_I'm sorry'_ out, you know that it's not because this girl's hair is dark brown. Nothing like Lily's. And even though this girl may very well not know Lily at all because she looks young enough to be a third year and is a Ravenclaw, you ask anyway, because your restless foolishness is starting to turn into anxiousness.

"I'm sorry, have you seen Lily Potter? Professor Longbottom was looking for her."

"I think I saw her down the stairs as I was coming up." She replies timidly. You thank her try not to run for the stairs. As you climb down, you see her. She is going down, nearly at the third floor by now. You are on the sixth. There might be a chance for you to catch her before she disappears again, but you don't want to risk it.

You yell with as much voice as you have in your lungs. "_Oi, Potter_!"

Almost all the students going up and down the stairs freeze like a tableau and look up from where the voice is coming. She looks up too. From three floors apart, when your eyes lock with yours, you don't quite know what to say.

So you lie… really loudly.

"The headmistress wants to see you." You say pointing in the direction of McGonagalls office, which thankfully is on the seventh floor. Either way she decides to go there. Lily nods only a fraction before starting to climb the stairs again. You didn't really expect her to take the stairs all the way to the seventh floor – you didn't expect her to come and face you directly. Which is why when she disappeared in the corridors of the fourth floor, you know that she was going to take some passageway to the headmistresses' office.

You ran.

And found her walking up the gargoyles that guarded the door of McGonagall's' office. She saw that you were coming towards her, but she didn't even look at you twice.

"Wait." You say as you catch up on your breath.

"What?" her tone is so cool, you forget that you haven't talked to her in what feels like forever. You expected her to sound more mad at you. But she isn't. Or at least she doesn't sound like it.

You straighten and your breathing is almost normal. "I lied." You admit calmly and before she can say anything you have her by the wrist and drag her away to the very first empty classroom that you can find.

"What are you…"

"I need to talk to you." You say before she can start to protest. But she comes along, she doesn't pull back her wrist, she doesn't hesitate. The skin over her pulse is so smooth, right under your thumb. You have no idea which classroom you go into, but its empty so it's perfect. You go in, Lily walking in tow with you, you close the door behind her and before you can run out of steam or nerve you speak.

"I'm sorry. I'm really so very sorry for what I did that day, it should have never happened, I'm sorry I took advantage of you and I'm sorry I haven't said this sooner." You take a deep breath, feeling like a man who just swallowed a suicide pill. All you have to do now is wait. You don't even have the courage to look at her. But when she stays silent, you have to, because you cant interpret her silence without looking into her eyes.

When you do, you are surprised.

"Hello." She says the second your eyes meet hers. It's as if she had been expecting this moment all along. "Did you know that speaking while not looking at people in the eye is a sign of insincerity? So if you don't have the guts to at least look at me in the eye while you apologize, then maybe you shouldn't do it at all."

You sigh and close your eyes. When you open them again, this time you look at her, like she wants. "I'm sorry." You say, this time slower, without adding anything else. Looking at her makes it more painful. That is the moment when you realize that you're still holding on to her wrist. You take your hand back a little too fast. You have no doubt she notices.

"For what?" Her face is so impenetrable, so smooth. You don't know how you feel about that, but you figure you deserve nothing better. "What are you sorry for Malfoy?"

You figure since she is handling this with such chirurgical sterility, you might as well do the same. You never thought that this would make things alright between you. You just knew that it had to be done.

"For… almost kissing you that day. I shouldn't have, it was thoughtless. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I got it, you're sorry. Kissing your best friend's sister is not a really brainy move." She snaps. You knew she would be difficult. "I got that part the second you pulled away actually, so there's no reason why we should go over it."

Your eyes suddenly fix themselves on hers with more acuteness than before. You keep trying to apologize while she is already changing the subject and you're lost. What is she saying? You watch as the ice melts off her eyes and the hazel color of them starts to swirl.

"Is that really what you're sorry for?" She whispers. You're _aching_ to touch her and the way her voice sounds is making this encounter deviate completely from your initial intentions. But you don't say anything, you can't. She keeps looking at you and you keep begging her with your eyes not to make you do this. It's unfair to leave it for her to decide, you know, but you can't help it. You don't want to push her away, you don't have the courage to keep her for yourself. You're stuck. She is the only one that can get you out.

"Will you answer me?" She is irritated now. "You can't let me do this by myself, you have to be here with me."

"I can't…" you say and she looks at you as if she is going to cry one moment and slap you the next.

"Why not? You know what, let's make this simple. I'm going to make this easy for you: Do you like me or not?" She asks, crossing her arms in front of her. You don't say anything this time either. You just look at her, without having any idea what your eyes are saying to her.

She pushes at your chest, suddenly furious. "Answer me Malfoy! Do you like me or not? Why the bloody hell did you try to kiss me if you didn't fancy me at all?"

"Of course I like you Lily." You say calmly. You're trying to make this go the way it's supposed to, but she is making it very difficult.

"Don't play dum with me." She says and its sounds like a warning. Like a warning you'd give someone before you hex them. You know she could do it. "I don't mean that kind of like and you know it. What I mean is, I like you so much I want to kiss you every time I see you. That's what I'm talking about."

Your breath leaves your lungs in a rush. Because as she speaks she is looking at you in a way that it makes it very difficult for you to react with any kind of coherence. Because you know exactly what she is talking about. You've dreamed about it so often that its almost recurring. As you think that you curse yourself, because form the way she smiles, you can bet she knows what is going on inside your head. Which is nuts, she can't do Leggimency yet.

But she always could read you without the need of a wand…

"And you know what, I think you know what I'm talking about. You think I don't see the way you look at me?" She says as she suddenly steps closer and you're so startled that you actually step back away from her. But your back hits the door and you have nowhere to do. She is a breath away from you and you feel your skin start to sizzle.

"You think I can't feel how you react around me?" she is _so_ close, you can smell the peppermint of her toothpaste. You don't want to hurt her feelings, but you know that you can't let her do this.

So why aren't you doing anything to stop her? Why are you till against that door, letting her push you around? You can easily free yourself, you can push her away gently, without damage, just leave. Tell her to think about this for just one more moment and you know that she will come to the same conclusion you have.

"It's been like this for months. I know it has, I _feel_ it. I knew it way before you did…" You look at her right in the eye and just like before her fierce gaze, so full of every single emotions that swims and shifts inside her, traps you in place, draws you down until your forehead is touching hers… and you didn't even realize you moved. Her eyes burn, her hands are warm and soft and so are the emotions swimming in her irises: so very soft and lucid, completely aware of themselves in a way that your emotions could probably never be.

You can count her eyelashes apart, you can feel that sweet smell of her soap and shampoo. You have no idea what it is, but you love it. You could die with the scent of her around you, it's like a fog that clogs your brain. She sighs when you come that close, tilts her head just one fraction, like a cat wallowing on the smallest caress. You think there is nothing more perfect…

"… and yet here you are, telling me that you're sorry you tried to kiss me. Well Malfoy, apology not accepted." Her whisper fanes her breath across your face. You feel the back of her hand touch yours and her long thin fingers find their way into your palm. You wrap your hand around hers, lacing your fingers together and she closes her eyes, leaning into you with the rest of her body. Her other hand searches yours, you find it without the slightest hesitation and even pull her towards you until she is so close that the tips of her shoes are touching yours.

It hurts you to say it, you feel like you're breaking apart but you know you have to. This is not fair to her.

"Your brother would hate me." You say and you feel the way she stiffens. You go on before she has the chance to stop you.

"What?" she whispers, her eyes wide. You see her confusion and the hurt in her eyes but you'd rather do this now than tie her even more tightly to you just to realize that you are going to break her heart later on anyway. With her everything would mean so much and the prospect of that is something you can't even begin to understand, but you just know. You know that it would be different, you know that she would be magic, perfect.

But you won't be. And you know right from the very beginning, as you've known form the start when this mole started eating away in your heart, that she is going to want something from you that you will not know how to give. You know that you will break her heart.

You might as well do it now while it still doesn't belong to you and spare you both more pain.

"I care about you Lily, you know I do… but this is not supposed to happen, not like this." You watch her as she takes a step back, watch the hurt, betrayal flood her face, the pain in her eyes. You can almost hear her heard break and you think you have never hated yourself more. For a second, as one single tears shines in her eyes without falling, you even forget why you're doing this in the first place…

But her tear doesn't fall, she rips her hands away from yours and takes a step back, hides her face in the waves of her hair. Her fingers are clenched in little fists and they are trembling.

"I'm sorry…" You whisper and it's the stupidest thing you've ever said. This is why you never initiate a breakup. You take the relationship to the level where there is nowhere to go but to end it and you let the other person do the damage. But this time everything is upside-down. You want to be with her, but you know you're never going to be enough for her… so you end it before anything even begins. You're the one damaging here…

There should be laws against this, you think, just to drown out the pain in your chest. You imagine her doing this to you… and selfishly, you're glad that it's not too late and you can prevent it.

You should really get out of here before she either hexes you or starts crying.

You are opening the door when she takes two decided steps and smacks the door closed with one hand. She looks up to you, her face blushed, her eyes shining, cheeks dry.

"You're in my debt Malfoy." She says between gritted teeth and you have no idea what she is on about. "You own me a kiss. I want it back."

"Lily…" You start, but she doesn't let you finish.

"No. No more bullshit, no more talking. I gave you a kiss because I thought you wanted me to… but it's obviously wasted on you, so I want it back." She looks up at you with the kind of determination in her eyes to match that of a hippogriff's and that tear that has been threatening to fall for a few minutes finally rolls down her eye and on her cheek. You can barely breath as you look at her even though your lungs are working double time. You feel like a desperate man, drowning.

"That kiss belongs to me, it's mine. I want it back…"

With the kind of skill you had no idea you had, you manage to bend your head and lean down to kiss her fast, without too much delicacy and not knock your heads together at the same time. She sucks in a harsh breath when she feels you lips against hers and you realize that despite her hardheadedness and determination, she had never expected you to really give in. Her lips boil unmoving against yours for only a moment. Then she is all over you and you feel yourself die little by little, with every heartbeat, enjoying every moment of it. You feel everything: Her arms around your chest, bringing you closer, squeezing you against her own, her hands bunching the shirt on your back so tightly you can feel her nails on your skin. Her shivers around you, her sigh in your mouth as her lips part and your tongues touch. Her moan in your mouth, the way she trembles and breathes heavily around you. You know that she feels your shiver as if it were her own, but it doesn't matter as she keeps kissing you like her life depends on it.

To you, it feels like it does. The clumsiness and occasional fumbling is shadowed by the passion sizzling between you.

Her hand fists on your chest and she pulls, probably trying to bring herself closer. She steps on your foot and reaches on her tiptoes trying to reach higher. Her nails leave marks on the back of your neck, you feel them, you love it. Her hand in your hair makes you want to do insane things. Like reach down to her wais with both your arms, wrap them around her and pull her up. The hand that is not fisted in her hair reaches down, wraps around her waist and you pull her up, breaking the kiss for only a second. Her arms go around your neck and in your hair like a live wire and you're kissing the skin on her neck, biting her not even that gently as you push her back to the door. She whimpers but a second later she is pulling your hair hard to make you come out of her neck so that she can kiss you again, biting at you lower lip. You don't realize how her head smacks against the wood of the door when you push back against her lips a little too eagerly.

You only stop when your lips start to feel raw and you can barely breath. Her chest is heaving against your and you close your eyes as you rest your forehead on hers, both your hands in her hair, your thumbs drawing little circles on her cheekbones. She holds on to your wrists and from time to time as your breathing and heartbeat slows you feel her lips flutter on your chin and jaw, like butterfly kisses that pull at the strings in your chest and draw you tight.

You wish that this moment right now could stretch on into infinity. You've never felt inside a moment like you do now, living in the full, real sense of the word.

But it's she who pulls away. She is still shaking and so are you, but she has the strength to push you gently away from her, turn around without even looking at you, open the door and let herself out. You hear her steps down the empty hall, slow at first, then ever faster, until you think she is running.

You smack you head on the door's heavy wood, but even the pain on your forehead can't dull anything out.

Nothing will ever be the same.


End file.
